Everyone carries some form of emotional baggage which often contributes to the emotional reaction called a trigger. Triggers are often caused by something that touches on a past pain, trauma, unresolved experience or a feeling of lack of control.
We can be triggered by anything: sensory stimuli (like someone talking or eating too loudly), certain situations, personality traits in others, a negative memory, a teen rolling their eyes at you, generalized anxiety or an internal feeling of being out of control. Poor driving etiquette in others often triggers road rage.
Triggers are more pronounced during times of stress and can be connected to deeper mental or physical health challenges — such as anxiety, depression, unresolved trauma, or even poor gut health, which has a strong influence on mood and mental clarity.
In my own life, I’ve noticed that I sometimes trigger others — and I’m certainly not immune to being triggered myself. This got me pondering the whole ‘trigger dynamic’ in relationships.
How often do we find ourselves blaming others for triggering us? Our triggers are our responsibility to notice, understand, manage and resolve. Triggers are owned by the individual who is having the strong feeling and in the moment of being triggered, it is their responsibility to pause before acting with blame, defensiveness or aggression.
Road rage is an example of triggered aggression often due to pent-up stress. If we have a habit of taking things personally or holding on to resentment, we may interpret others’ actions as personal attacks — even if they are completely unaware of having done anything wrong. From that wounded place, we may feel justified in lashing out or “speaking our truth,” but our words may feel more like criticism than clarity to those receiving them.
It is hard to be around someone (or in relationship with someone) who doesn’t acknowledge or accept responsibility for their own behaviour when they’re in a triggered state, and the more prone to anger they are — the more others have to walk on eggshells around them.
On the flip side, the triggered individual may feel unseen or disrespected, so avoiding them can cause more feelings of isolation in their angst and attachment to victimness. This can be a vicious cycle and over time, unchecked triggers can turn into bitterness and feed a cycle of blame and victimhood. Being in a relationship — romantic, familial, or otherwise — with someone who is easily and often triggered, can be exhausting.
And what happens when both people are triggered at once? Arguments escalate quickly, and it can feel like a battle over who is the biggest victim. This toxic cycle — filled with resistance, blame, defensiveness, resentment, and emotional competition — slowly erodes the foundation of any relationship.
So what’s the solution?
I feel the antidote lies in cultivating calm and having the courage to explore the dynamics at play with honesty and compassion. This isn’t easy. But if we notice we’re intentionally provoking someone, we need to take full responsibility and change our behaviour.
On the other hand, if we’re not acting with malice, we can still choose to look beyond the surface of someone’s reaction — with love and empathy — and consider what pain or insecurity might be fuelling it. They may be dealing with self-doubt, insecurity, resentment, old pain, depression, anxiety, other mental wellness issues or physical health issues.
It's helpful to pause, feel our own reaction, maybe take some space (remove ourselves), and reflect on a solution with compassion rather than combat. If we feel righteous with a need to punish then taking more time may help keep us from an egoic reaction. This is hard work but is well worth doing, as examining our intentions and behaviour in an honest way is actually quite empowering.
The world is not responsible for protecting us from discomfort, nor will it cater to our unique perceptions and sensitivities.
When we truly begin to understand the source of our emotional reactions and set the intention to heal any wounds, we free ourselves from the grip our triggers hold over us.
Claire Nielsen is a health coach, author, public speaker and founder of www.elixirforlife.ca. The information provided in the above article is for educational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional health and medical advice. Please consult a doctor, health-care provider or mental health practitioner if you're seeking medical advice, diagnoses and/or treatment.
