We all know people who constantly play the victim and somehow make every situation about themselves, often creating mountains out of mole hills. Being around them can be exhausting as they project how they feel onto everyone else. They truly believe their perception to be the only truth, thereby justifying their emotional states of mind.
People like this often have other mental health issues like narcissistic personality disorder. Other strategies they use to gain control over a situation may include sarcasm, passive-aggressive behaviour, blaming us for how they feel, or threats of violence. However, for the purposes of this article I am assuming that the behaviour of someone taking things personally and making everything about them is a temporary condition and not characteristic of a more serious diagnosis.
Navigating relationships like this can be frustrating and confusing, especially when we're seeking support or connection. If we share our successes with these people, they often respond negatively — as if our achievements remind them of their perceived failures, which can leave us feeling guilty for making them feel bad about themselves. If we confide in them about struggles, they may overshadow our experiences with their own, turning everything into a competition.
People who constantly redirect attention to themselves are often unaware they’re doing it. They have a knack for turning neutral conversations into monologues about their own suffering, victimization, or perceived lack. In their eyes, things either happen to them or because of them. They often position themselves at the centre of everything — even when a situation doesn’t involve them at all.
When we encounter strangers who take things personally, we can choose to walk away, hopefully never to see them again. But what about those close to us? How do we navigate relationships with people we work with, family members, neighbours or friends?
Understanding the mindset behind their behaviour is key. While their actions may seem aggressive, controlling, or disrespectful, they often come from deep emotional wounds. These individuals may carry sadness, low self-worth, lack of inner peace, and often feel isolated or distrustful. Their need for control often reflects inner chaos and helplessness.
Ultimately, there are only two real ways to deal with such relationships: walk away, or approach them with compassion and a decision not to take what they say personally.
Imagine how exhausting it must be to live in a mind dominated by insecurity and negativity. Many of these individuals aren’t aware of how toxic their worldview has become — or how their behaviour affects others. While outsiders may view them as attention-seeking, they usually don’t see themselves that way.
Calling them out may backfire. It might reinforce their victim narrative and escalate conflict, pulling attention back to them yet again. A more effective strategy is quiet disengagement — changing the subject, or stepping away before we get emotionally involved, or redirecting the energy. If we’re caught in their emotional spiral, it’s helpful to limit our involvement and seek outside support. Counselling can be helpful for both emotional clarity and finding helpful coping strategies.
It's important to remember: we're not responsible for fixing the mental well-being of others. Our responsibility is to manage our own reactions — especially noticing when we might be triggered into a victim mindset ourselves. Even when reactions feel justified, adding to the conflict only deepens the problem. Once everyone is emotionally invested in a fight, it no longer matters who started it.
Even if the other person is clearly narcissistic, engaging in arguments become a contest of personal narratives and egos. Compassionate detachment — deciding not to take anything personally and refusing to engage — is the quickest way to de-escalate a situation. Still, most of us react negatively: we get annoyed, defensive, or angry. These are natural responses, but they fuel the fire and feed the conflict. The bigger the victim complex someone has, the more they’ll expect and prepare for a fight — often responding irrationally or with intense backlash.
Believe it or not, these encounters can be opportunities for personal growth. When caught in conflict with someone we find “impossible,” it helps to observe them with compassion and be grateful we’re not trapped in their mindset. At the same time, we can notice our own thoughts and reactions — anger, resentment, or the urge to retaliate — and choose not to engage. If we do, we become half the problem.
A helpful alternative is to acknowledge their feelings without assigning blame. Most people just want to feel heard. Simple validation can go a long way. Try: “I hear you. That really sucks…” or “I understand how you could feel that way” or “I’m sorry you feel this way.” Reflecting back what they’ve said in our own words can also be helpful, even though what they are saying is incredulous.
When we catch ourselves slipping into a tug-of-war with someone difficult, we need to pause and ask ourselves if engaging right now truly helps either of us. Can we recognize the emotional energy without making it personal? If we have a spiritual or mindfulness practice, now is the time to use it; pray for guidance, breathe, meditate, and shift our awareness from the mind’s noise to the heart’s stillness. When I notice unconscious behaviour in someone I care about, and I can avoid taking it personally, I’m more likely to respond from a heart-centred place.
However, it’s important to note: when dealing with gaslighting or extreme narcissistic behaviours, compassion alone isn’t enough. Those situations require stronger boundaries and a different approach — topics I’ll explore in subsequent articles.
Next week, I’ll flip the script and explore the other side: what to do if we suspect we might be the one making everything about ourselves, or taking things too personally.
Claire Nielsen is a health coach, author, public speaker and founder of www.elixirforlife.ca. The information provided in the above article is for educational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional health and medical advice. Please consult a doctor, health-care provider or mental health practitioner if you're seeking medical advice, diagnoses and/or treatment.
