Even though this piece is a couple weeks late, as it was supposed to come out before Mother’s Day, I dedicate this to women — especially the mothers — who spend so much time and energy caring for everyone else that they may have forgotten who they were before motherhood.
Though this may seem directed toward women, I encourage men to read on. With an open mind, you might gain deeper understanding and empathy for the mothers in your lives: your own, and the mothers of your children.
Many mothers approach parenting with such fierce dedication that their own needs are quietly pushed aside. In the effort to care for everyone else, they often forget to tend to their own physical, emotional and intellectual needs, losing their (pre-motherhood) identity in the process. Somewhere between diaper changes, managing family relationships, PTA meetings, volunteering, extracurricular activities, homework, late-night fevers or other family medical issues, work commitments, planning meals, power struggles and other conflicts, sibling rivalry, and a plethora of other responsibilities, moms often put their own needs on a shelf they can no longer reach.
Society expects selflessness in motherhood translating to “less care for oneself than others” which too frequently leads to “no care” at all. The term "supermom" given as praise, encourages women to attempt to juggle it all (with a smile on their face) as they diminish into overwhelm and exhaustion. The stereotypical perfect housewife of the '50s often day drank and took valium to get through the day.
The women who give everything to everyone may end up in a state of complete erasure of the self. Families will take as much as a mother will give, often forgetting that she’s a person, not a vending machine. This is a great little story to answer the question “What did you do all day?” Too often, the high demands of motherhood cause long-term stress and health issues. For this reason, it is crucial for mothers to know their limits and carve out time for themselves.
These women who give endlessly, and often without recognition, deserve our deepest compassion, appreciation and respect for their commitment and sacrifice, but they also need support in order to maintain a sense of self and identity in addition to role of ‘mom.’
We are often not raised to truly value the role of a mother. Women must constantly prove their worth, not just as mothers or wives, but as professionals in the workplace. For those juggling careers, parenting, marriage, caring for aging parents, volunteering in the community — all while managing their own exhaustion — there is often no time left to meet their own needs. As a result, they can become detached from their inner selves and, inevitably, their mental health and physical health may suffer.
"She let herself go and now she’s bitter."
I’ve heard this phrase more times than I can count over the years, and only after entering middle age myself did I begin to realize how unfair and shallow this critical judgment truly is. Rarely do people pause to consider the exhaustive story behind the woman who has let herself go, or at least let go of the unrealistic expectations of maintaining her youthful image. Throw in hormonal changes (which often bring on physical health and mental health challenges), medication side effects, and a metabolism that may now move slower than dial-up internet.
Life happens, it changes, futures are uncertain, and we all go through big stuff at one point or another as we learn resilience. The part that causes bitterness, I have found in my interviews of women, is the judgment from others and the lack of understanding. Older women are a wealth of knowledge due to their life experiences, but they often feel invisible, unheard and powerless. I have also heard “I gave the best of my life to my family only to feel tossed aside when I was used up.” This is often the case when marriages end and/or children move away and no longer ‘need’ their moms. This can naturally lead to feeling disconnected from an identity one has had for so many years — but is no longer valid.
To avoid becoming bitter or disconnected, it helps to practice mindfulness alongside physical, emotional, spiritual and nutritional self-care. Women must believe that we are worthy of our own care and attention. And perhaps most importantly, we need each other: Women empowering women, celebrating each other’s wins rather than judging, criticizing or competing with each other. We need to make space for laughter, connection, and solidarity. We can learn to say “no” without guilt and “yes” to ourselves without apology (to the women I know who regularly apologize — this is particularly for you).
If we don’t take care of our whole selves — mind, body, spirit — we start to fade. Not only in age or appearance, but in joy, laughter, and connection. We don’t need six-figure spa retreats. Sometimes self-care is as simple as 10 quiet minutes alone in the car listening to music or a podcast before going inside. Keeping a self-care journal can help us remember we’re more than chauffeurs, chefs, or crisis managers — we’re still us. Recording the things we can do just for ourselves — whether it’s walking, bathing, reading, gardening, creating art, praying, meditating, watching a sunset or learning something new (like a language or musical instrument) — helps us stay grounded and present in our own lives.
Practicing gratitude even for a few minutes a day can be transformative for anyone, but it’s especially vital for busy mothers. Gratitude is a beautiful energy and can be attained by anyone, regardless of their life situation. If inclined, please read these three short articles: the transformative power of gratitude, cultivating a practice of gratitude, and David’s story.
Please take the time to go inward, rediscover and reintroduce yourself to the woman who’s still in there, and tend to your inner garden to allow the blooming of your beauty within.
Claire Nielsen is a health coach, author, public speaker and founder of www.elixirforlife.ca. The information provided in the above article is for educational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional health and medical advice. Please consult a doctor, health-care provider or mental health practitioner if you're seeking medical advice, diagnoses and/or treatment.
