I’m a peaceful man, I hate to see people mad at each other.
That’s why I got so upset when I saw that there was friction down south between the White House and the reporters tasked with covering the president and his team.
In his first day of office President Donald Trump went to CIA headquarters where he spent an inordinate amount of time regaling the assembled agents with stories of how the media mistreated him by counting the number of people at his inauguration. It reminded me of that famous scene in The Man with the Golden Gun when James Bond is pulled off of the hunt for a rogue nuclear submarine so that the monarch could complain to him that someone spray-painted “the Queen sux” on Her Majesty’s Royal Dumpster.
That same day White House press secretary Sean Spicer got extra spicy, spending his first day on the job berating the assembled reporters before leaving without taking any questions.
Trump counsellor Kellyanne Conway also weighed in on Day 1, saying that lies told by Spicer during his rant were actually “alternative facts” and that, if the press continued down this traitorous path of reporting on things that the president says, the Trump administration would have to “rethink our relationship.”
Rethink our relationship? Oh no! Are you talking about a … divorce? Is it splitsville between the White House and the media? I guess there’s precedent – Trump has already been divorced twice, and his White House has divorced itself from reality.
But as a good Christian man who loves the Bible – “Very good book. Important words. The best words. I met with Kanye West – very famous, good friend of mine, bigly – and he said I’m bigger than Jesus. Treezus, I think he calls me. Maybe. People say. Just watch. I talk about the Bible, next week it’ll be a bestseller. Just watch. You know Moses. He’s done a terrific job. He’s being recognized more and more…” – there’s no way Donald Trump would want to have another divorce on his record. So let’s fix this rift and get the press and White House back together again. It’s a new regime, so what journalists will need to do is ask new questions. The best questions. Trump questions. Here’s a handy guide reporters can consult whenever they have the chance to question the wisdom of the White House:
BAD Question: American security is the main stated goal of this administration, and yet nearly every foreign policy move so far – shredding trade agreements, kneecapping the UN, offending world leaders – seemingly makes the world less safe. How does the overnight de-stabilization of 70 years’ worth of global partnership-building make the United States safer?
GOOD Question: When you greet other heads of state, what can be done to stop them from fainting when they realize just how much power you possess in your enormous hands?
BAD Question: Quick follow-up on national security: Chinese military leaders are publicly musing they may have to fight the United States in a real war at some point in the next four years. How would war with China affect the safety of Americans?
GOOD Question: What’s your favourite Chinese food? I know… Is it white rice?
BAD Question: There are widespread reports that the ban on seven Muslim nations, none of which have had any nationals linked to a single terrorist incident in the U.S., has given renewed comfort to previously waning ISIS, and that they are already using the ban in their propaganda. Where does a re-invigorated ISIS fit into your national security program?
GOOD Question: Your speech to begin Black History Month drew HUGE responses. Big league. How did you manage to find the time to learn the names of so many black people?
BAD Question: Your chief strategist ran a news organization known for championing the views of the “alt-right,” and white supremacists openly celebrated your election and inauguration. Deserved or not, how would you feel about a perceived legacy as the man who opened the door for white supremacy to go mainstream, even into the heart of the Oval Office?
GOOD Question: Recent reports have claimed that you have a phobia of stairs. That’s totally unfair – fake news! – because I’ve seen you climb stairs all the time with no aids whatsoever except for a death-like grip on the handrail. Are you at all worried that liberal snowflakes might literally die of despair when they see you walking up and down stairs like a friggin champ?
BEST Question: You’ve done such an awesome job of being president, yet so many people are saying so many mean things about you. Literally the day after you were elected, millions of women around the world marched in protest. Do you need this grief? You’re a 70-year-old TV star! Why don’t you just go back to your golden tower and enjoy retirement? Seriously, why don’t you just go away?
Andy Prest is the sports editor for the North Shore News and writes a biweekly humour/lifestyle column. [email protected]
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