I’m sometimes asked for advice on parenting, presumably by people who have no concept of what terms like “qualified expert” and “irreparable harm” and “no liability” mean.
I’m no Dr. Spock. Heck, I’m not even Mr. Spock. Captain Kirk maybe, on my best day, if only because if I was exploring the deep reaches of the universe, I’d totally be interested in having a fling with a green alien lady.
Anyway, I think I’m ably proving right now why no one should come to me for serious advice. And yet, I do have two major qualifications. One of them is 10 years old, and the other one is eight years old, and neither one of them has blown up a garden shed or gotten a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal. Yet.
So I’ve raised, so far, a couple of non-criminals. Does that make me an expert? Meh … I don’t know. How did my family get so far with all of our bodies and souls relatively intact? There’s no secret sauce to share other than some basics: listen to your children, spend time with them, emphasize education and set boundaries for them. And, above all else, love them unconditionally with your entire being.
But enough of that mushy stuff. We all know the credit for anything good about my kids should go 100 per cent to my wife. Anyway, I can still offer a tiny bit of cold, hard advice. After a decade of parenting, I actually have come up with two short phrases – five words in total – that I truly think will make life better for any parent. They’re the only words of advice I offer. Heck, one of the words is “the,” so it’s basically four words. And they will help you get through this. You ready? Here we go.
Sleep training
These two words have always been my one staple response for anyone asking me for parenting tips. This one, to me, is more important than anything, aside from obvious things like feeding them and loving them and not dropping them into lava blah blah blah.
I don’t remember many of the little details of day-to-day life with little babies. In fact, here’s a bonus tip: document those “unforgettable” treasured moments in writing or video or whatever, because the word “unforgettable” in this regard basically means about 15 hours. One thing I do recall about those first few years is the general haze that comes along with the non-stop exhaustion caused by the absurdity of a baby’s sleep/scream cycle. I can remember experiencing “brain buzz” due to exhaustion – basically I’d be so tired and wired at the same time that it felt as if my brain was floating in a thin layer of cerebrospinal espresso.
When your baby gets old enough, the solution is sleep training. This can take various forms, but in essence it boils down to teaching your baby to put themselves to sleep so you don’t have to rock them/shush them/drive them around for an hour every time they need to sleep. Generally this involves putting your baby to bed and then walking away for a bit so they can put themselves to sleep. There can be a lot of crying involved, for babies and parents.
I remember it was very tough on us as parents when we finally sleep trained our first kid. We told ourselves all kinds of dumb things like “our baby is just too curious to take naps!” before finally giving in and committing to sleep training. And it was hard! It’s hard to hear your baby cry. At least, the first time around it is.
When our second kid came around? Easy. Wah wah wah all you want, kid. Daddy is watching baseball.
Some parents disagree with sleep training, but those parents are still rocking their kids to sleep every night, even though their kids are now 38 years old. Just kidding. But for us, it worked, and it was life-changing.
Engage the core
I’m serious with this second piece of advice. Ask a parent about their back pain. Go ahead, ask them. They’ll regale you with tales of one-handed car seat dead lifts and the devastating amount of bending needed to change just one diaper explosion in a shopping mall bathroom. And whoever said Mariana’s Trench is the deepest place on the surface of the Earth must never have reached to the bottom of a crib to try to gently set a baby there without waking it up. Those cribs: deeper than the pits of hell, with a similar amount of wailing.
Hence, engage the core to strengthen and protect your back. If you don’t understand the phrase, ask your physiotherapist. Don’t have a physio? Don’t worry, you will.
OK, that’s it. That’s all the advice I’ve got.
You can do this! Good night, good luck, live long, and prosper.
Andy Prest is the sports editor of the North Shore News. His lifestyle/humour column runs biweekly. aprest@nsnews.com
