This is a message for the youngsters in your life, the toddlers, tykes, tots, teens, tweens and everything in between.
If you are an adult and you know anyone who fits that age bracket, please read this to them! Make sure you do a good job selling it, though – pretend you are a distinguished speaker such as an old-timey newsman, or Buzz Lightyear. Address these children with the respect and reverence they deserve.
OK? Here goes.
Dear Kids,
First of all, I have a very important question for you. Why do you call each other “buttcheek?” My two boys started calling each other that a few weeks before the coronavirus hit, and I thought it was just one of the many weird insults they have conjured up to throw at each other.
But then I saw several other grownups on Twitter talking about their kids saying “buttcheek” all the time too, and their kids don’t know my kids, so there’s no way that they learned it from each other. Do you all call people buttcheek? Why?! Someone started this trend, and now … buttcheek is spreading.
If you have any information about where this inappropriate insult came from, please send me a message to let me know who the culprit is so the proper authorities can be called. Together we must fight the buttcheek! #Stopthespread.
OK, now that we’ve put that bit of unpleasantness behind us, I wanted to check in on you to see how you are handling this whole coronavirus thing. As the kids in Harry Potter say, it’s kind of “rubbish,” isn’t it? There’s no school, you’re staying home all day and playing video games, watching all your favourite movies over and over … that sounds horrible! What’s next, free ice cream!
Actually, I’d say you deserve free ice cream. Or some other delicious treat. Right now! Tell your parents the newspaper man says it’s treat time!
Why? Because this really is rubbish. Sure, movies and video games are fun, but they are no substitute for all your friends. You may not miss school all that much, but I bet you miss all those friends. I hope you’re getting a chance to at least talk to your pals over the phone or through video chats. But that’s not quite as good as being able to chase them, touch them, smell them, is it? Well, maybe not smell them. Have you started using deodorant yet?
For some of you young ones, this might be a very confusing time. Will we have pandemics every year? Will this ever end? Why is my brother always mad at me? The answers to those questions are no, yes, and because you filled his pillowcase with oatmeal.
If you want wiser words than those, I’d recommend listening to provincial health officer Dr. Bonnie Henry. In fact, tell your parents to turn on Dr. Bonnie’s press conference every day. She’s warm and wise and caring, kind of like a cross between your favourite teacher and Professor Dumbledore.
Here’s a message Dr. Bonnie had for children this week: “Remember, this is not forever, but it is for now. What you are doing is making a difference. Thank you for doing your part with kindness and with care.”
Prime Minister Justin Trudeau also had a nice message for kids recently, and someone animated the whole thing with Lego! Do you like Lego? It was kind of funny seeing our prime minister made out of Lego. I suppose a Lego prime minister is better than what they have in the United States. Their president is made of cheeseburgers!
Anyway, I hope you are finding time to get outside a bit, as long as you remember to stay far away from people who aren’t in your family. Pretend you’re Mario, and everyone else is a Goomba! When I’m outside I like to look for things that bring me joy. Here on the North Shore, my kids and I love spotting eagles! Also, have you noticed any painted rocks in your neighbourhood? A little girl in North Vancouver started that trend, painting hearts and stuff on rocks and hiding them for others to find. Now everyone is doing it! You kids are great.
That’s why I know you’ll be OK. Over the years as a coach and parent, I’ve seen just how smart and resilient and adaptable you are. You’re way more adaptable than us old grumps.
And I want you to know that all your coaches, teachers, choir conductors, dance instructors … they all miss you a lot right now. It’s because of you that they do what they do. And they can’t wait to do it again.
Until that happens, just continue to be you.
Let me leave you with one of my kids’ favourite jokes. It’s the one about the Spanish magician. He said “Uno! Dos!” and then disappeared, without a tres.
Stay safe out there kids, wash your hands and be nice to your parents. And watch out for Goombas!
Yours truly,
Some Old Buttcheek
Andy Prest is sports editor for the North Shore News. His humour/lifestyle column runs biweekly. [email protected]
