ONE of the great strokes of luck in my life was having parents who couldn't stay up late.
They also shared three other crucial possessions: delightful senses of humour, a VCR and a lovely dropped ceiling in the basement.
Actually, the dropped ceiling wasn't all that crucial, but it did provide me with a sneaky spot to hide all of my contraband goods.
There's probably some stuff still hiding up there that I've long forgotten, which is kind of interesting because my parents moved out of that house years ago. Some poor family is probably wondering why a bottle of lemon gin came crashing down into the middle of their rumpus room last March. And yes, if I travelled back in time and caught my 17-year-old self drinking lemon gin I would punch that pimply little punk right in the face.
Anyway, my parents couldn't hold out long enough to watch late night television so they did the best thing I can ever imagine someone doing with a VCR: they recorded every episode of David Letterman's show. They'd then watch the previous night's show in prime time the next day when my brother and I were also still awake. This was incredible on so many levels. Instead of watching Miami Vice, bouncing on Pogo Balls or doing rails of coke like all my eight-year-old friends were doing in the 1980s, I was basking in the glow of a comedic genius in his prime.
Letterman was at his absolute best when the show seemed to be at its absolute worst - no one was better at creating what at first glance appeared to be a disaster but in actual fact was a man in control of every piece of stupidity crossing his desk, particularly his own stupidity. Few shows have ever approached that level of stupid brilliance, Jon Stewart's The Daily Show and The Colbert Report probably coming the closest in recent years.
With apologies to Mike Bullard - actually, forget that: screw Mike Bullard - no late-night Canadian show ever came close to that kind of must-watch comedy. None, that is, until a pair of goofballs showed up in an unlikely place: The Sports Network.
Jay Onrait and Dan O'Toole debuted together on TSN's SportsCentre in 1972, kicking things off with their classic interview of Gordon Lightfoot conducted inside of a kiddie pool full of lime Jell-O.
Actually, I don't know when they debuted or what they talked about - if you care that much send me an email and I'll sell you a password for Google. All I know is that after seeing them together for just a couple of episodes I knew that I would need to watch them work together as much as possible. Whatever train-wreck brilliance Letterman had, these two somehow come pretty damn close - I can't really think of a better compliment to give anyone in the world.
I'm a parent and through some miracle my two children, both under the age of three, sleep basically all night, every night. It's an incredibly lucky situation and one that I try not to bring up in front of other young parents for fear of getting choked out by some sleep-deprived new mother's diaper bag.
Do I take advantage of this extraordinary good fortune by going to bed myself at a reasonable time? Uh, no.
I don't get the sleep I need because I don't have the willpower that my parents had, waiting until the next day to see what wackiness ensued while all the squares were sleeping. I need my Jay and Dan laughs before I go to bed.
I don't even care if there's anything interesting going on in the sports world. In fact, it's even better if there isn't anything interesting. That leaves more time for them to dance, make fun of each other's hair and call each other out for stifling belches.
Here, finally, is the Canadian comedy we've all been waiting for, thinly disguised as a sports program.
Great stuff. Except for one small thing: they're leaving.
Probably promised matching Maseratis (Maseratii?), the pair is big-timing us all, moving to L.A. to headline a new sports channel for Fox.
They do say that they'll still do their weekly podcast so us Hosers can keep in touch. If you haven't listened to one already I recommend everyone find an episode of the Jay and Dan Podcast and give it a try. Wait, they do tend to work a little blue on the podcast so you may not want to listen to it if you don't like jokes about poop, pee, boobs, farts, masturbation, sex, poop, vomit, sexual harassment, drugs, penises (penisii?), farm animals, poop or Esa Tikkanen. Other than that, you've got to check it out. I often listen to it while walking to work, grinning like an idiot or just honest-to-God giggling as I pass by the elementary school on my usual route. If the PAC knew what I was giggling about while I walked past their kids every day it probably wouldn't take too long for them to outsource some nifty Ban Jay and Dan T-Shirts.
No need for that now: Jay and Dan are already out the door. In fact, tonight is their very last TSN show. They'll probably be drunk, and they have a longtime tradition of "phone it in Fridays" to uphold, so the show will probably suck. Which means, of course, it will be the best ever. I, for one, will be staying up to find out.
