FOR this column I'll need to tread carefully, because I don't want any of my readers stabbing themselves with a butter knife or throwing themselves in front of a SkyTrain in response to the subject I've chosen.
I'm going to talk about fantasy football. I've been in fantasy football leagues for more than five years, and the most important thing I've learned over that time is to never talk about fantasy football.
It's like Fight Club, except no one gets to punch Brad Pitt in the face.
The don't-talk-aboutfantasy-football rule isn't in place because it's some sort of secret club - millions play it now, and it seems to grow every year - it's because telling someone who is not directly involved in your fantasy league about your fantasy team is one of the worst things you can do with a human voice that doesn't involve "The Song that Never Ends."
Fantasy football stories are deathly boring. Don't even dream about telling a stranger or acquaintance about your fantasy football team if you ever hope to have romantic relations with that person.
You: "This is a great party, your penthouse suite is amazing. How do you afford this place?"
Potential mate: "My dad's a successful arms dealer."
You: "Wow, that's neat. Speaking of arms, can you believe Peyton Manning's terrible game yesterday? I started him on my fantasy team, I only needed 13 points to . . ."
Potential mate: "Excuse me, I need to go check the hors d'oeuvres (throws self off of roof)."
With that cautionary tale in mind, let's look at how to enjoy fantasy football without causing any deaths. Funerals are often held on Sundays, clashing with football - that's a good reason right there to keep your friends alive. Here are a few rules to follow for safe fantasy football fun if you're looking to get into the game this fall:
Rule 1: DO NOT talk about fantasy football with people not in your league.
I know I've already made the case for this, but seriously. Don't do it. Not even if you are on a construction site with the beer-swillingest dudes in the world.
Man in hard hat: "OK everyone, lunch break."
You: "Phew, what a tough morning. We sure smashed a lot of stuff with sledgehammers. It felt good though; I'm still mad about how I lost in the fantasy football playoffs last night.
I was up by 11, and my opponent only had his defence left but on the last play of the game . . ."
Man in hard hat: "Sorry bud, I just need to grab these." (Jams Phillips-head screwdrivers into both ears). Rule 2: Don't be a deadbeat.
Now that you're in a league and are absolutely clear on Rule 1, Rule 2 states that you should actually put a little effort into managing your fake team (whilst not talking about it, of course). Nothing kills a league faster than having a bunch of teams that are full of concussed running backs or receivers who've moved to Canada to play for the Tiger-Cats. If you've spent the time signing up for the league and coming up with a vaguely funny team name, the least you can do is put a healthy body into each of your roster spots every week.
Rule 3: Play for money.
I'm not saying you should spend Lil Wayne dollars on your fake team, but putting a little bit of cash into your league keeps things interesting.
For non-deadbeats, fantasy football is pretty addictive, so you're probably going to spend way too much time on your team. If you win, it's nice to have a sweet $80 payout to show your wife and kids after you've spent 60 hours per week for the past four months studying game tapes and tinkering with your lineup.
Rule 4: Talk trash.
The flip side of rule 1 is that you can and should talk about the game with your fellow league-mates. Even for especially awkward types like me who only say really interesting things after two strong beers, fantasy football is a language that can fill any conversation hole.
It is crucially important, however, that no unsuspecting non-players are within earshot during the discussion/ taunting.
You: "Hey, good to see you. Can I mix you a drink?"
Fantasy football friend: "Hey buddy, what's up? Looks like you're making some bloody marys over there. Can you hook me up? Oh by the way, this is my new girlfriend Cynthia."
You: "Hi Cynthia. You want one of these too? Really though, it should be this dumbass boyfriend of yours mixing these up because his fantasy football team is so bloody awful. Seriously Cynthia, how can you go out with a guy who would trade Megatron for a pretty boy like Eli Manning and . . ."
Cynthia: "No thanks on the Caesar, I'm good with this (chugs a large bottle of cyanide)."
Rule 5: Invite women into the league.
First of all, they smell nice and, in my experience, tend to bring cookies to draft night. Also, many don't follow football and so are easy money. Some are avid fans, though, and if you run into a member of this group it can be a dream come true.
You: "The service in this bar is slower than Peyton Manning. I can't believe I drafted him in three leagues. Sorry, I know better than to talk to attractive strangers about my fantasy football team."
Fantasy girl: "Oh don't worry, I know exactly what you mean. I drafted him too, and now he's stuck on my bench. Who could've guessed that having four neck surgeries would slow down a quarterback?"
You: "You're into fantasy football too! That's incredible. Will you marry me and have my baby?"
Fantasy girl: "Yes yes yes! We'll name it Brady!"
