Bro-date /brohdeyt/ n. a prearranged, non-romantic casual outing by two male acquaintances who are completely cool with the obviously date-like overtones of said outing because its clearly not like that.
Bros everywhere
I came late to brohood.
Raised as I was by a kind-hearted mother and sister, I reached adolescence without a clear understanding of the long list of unwritten rules that define acceptable behaviour among dudes. It wasnt until I reached the searing crucible of middle school that I came to see that openly showing affection for animals, being able to draw unicorns convincingly, having an impressive understanding of Wicca, not suppressing negative emotion and other unhealthy habits were not a way to garner admiration from male peers.
I adapted, but because of this late start, it was only in my early adult years that I came to grasp the intricacies of that most complex of male interactions, the bro-date.
This is a one-on-one outing involving only the most stereotypically masculine activities golfing, hockey watching, beer drinking, thing repairing, clubbing (like, actually clubbing things) characterized by rigid, unspoken rules of conduct. Not long ago, I discovered there was at least one of these that Id missed.
Before I go on, a quick rundown of the most important bro regulations for the edification of non-male readers:
1. Handshake etiquette
As the tone-setter for the entire bro-date, the salutation is of vital importance. Any greeting between participants must be perfunctory. Inquiries after the others wellbeing should be rhetorical (Whats up?) and delivered with a facial expression somewhere between boredom and wariness. Participants must read quickly which of several possible elaborate handshakes is being entered into and then follow suit. If you, like me, are inclined to get the motions out of sequence and then try to hide that fact with some kind of improvised finger-gun or butterfly motion, avoid this entirely in favour of a simple, job-interview-style formal handshake.
No-nos: excited clapping, non-derogatory exclamations about appearance.
2. Drinking etiquette
By and large, any beverages consumed in the presence of a male peer should be clear or brown and somewhat unpleasant, tasting either like rotting grains or mild disinfectant. No wine, no coolers, nothing with flavour or garnishes that could be described in seriousness as yummy. Your drink choice is an indication of your position in the social food chain. If it tastes like fruit, its basically salad. Salad is for herbivores, and herbivores get eaten.
3. Food etiquette
The bro-date participant should at all times convey the impression that his dietary choices are aimed at contracting either heart disease or scurvy. This means that if the event involves ingestion of a meal, participants should ensure something large and endearing died to make it. Non-french-fry-based vegetables are off limits, and in this context vegetables include most white meats. Those interested in saving the planet or living past 30 can eat salads on their own time.
4. Conversation etiquette
Acceptable conversation topics are limited. Sports, beer, construction materials, the perpetually surprising price of gas all fall within the safe zone. Topics to avoid include art, Glee, vegetables except to deride them and the fact you mist up at the end of Love Actually no matter how many times you see that little kid catch up with his first crush at the airport.
Hide ignorance about man topics wherever necessary: Questions such as Whats a carburetor? Why is the ball pointy? Whats a Bieksa? should be kept to yourself. The fact the Sharks finally played the Jets is not neat.
Acceptable observations: I like joists. Whats a Lady Gaga?
5. Emotional honesty
The only allowable emotions on a man outing are anger and elation, and these should be expressed to a limited degree and only in relation to trivial topics. Examples: Anger: Where are the chips? Elation: Here are the chips. If heavy issues have to be dealt with, they should be addressed in a light-hearted way: I just got shared custody. Up top!
This principle extends to physical injury. The correct response to excruciating pain is either to make a joke of it: Luckily I have nine other fingers, or, if it in some way disrupted the bro event, to apologize: Sorry I got blood/skin/fragments of bone on your Raiders jersey/living room wall/new windshield.
For the uninjured party faced with severe medical emergency, the correct response is, Ha ha.
On the occasion in question, a girlfriends girlfriends boyfriend had been left marooned in the city, and I was under instructions to keep him entertained for the evening. We hatched a bro-date, selecting as our activity a movie.
In terms of man activities, movies are considered borderline, but can fall within the acceptable range if selected carefully. A bro-movie should be either funny, with jokes centering on drunkenness, groin injuries and human waste, or, if it has to be serious, spectacularly violent and profane.
The film should involve minimal character development, no believable dialogue and the only subtitles should be among Eastern European villains who are going to die anyway. It should absolutely never end with a wedding, a surprise proposal or the resolution of a love triangle, unless said triangle is resolved via epic battle on a raised platform overlooking some kind of chasm, ideally filled with magma.
For this particular bro-date, we had selected 28 Days Later, in which Britain is wiped out by a disease that turns everyone into blood-fountaining rage maniacs. It was ideal.
We settled in near the back of the theatre, each with a dangerously unhealthy bag of popcorn, and made a series of superficial observations that amused or disgusted us to exactly the right degree. Within the first five minutes of the movies opening, literally millions of people had died. Things were going extremely well.
Events took a dark turn, however, about 10 minutes in, when the main character after a long and increasingly tense walk through a deserted central London where at any moment crazed British people might jump out and fountain blood at him accidentally set off an extremely startling car alarm.
I reacted by squealing like a crushed bath toy and literally throwing most of the contents of my jumbo popcorn over three rows of spectators. It was an egregious violation of bro rules.
As I settled back into my seat, my companion tried to repair the damage by openly mocking me, but we both knew the bro-date was ruined.
New rule: On a bro-date, dont ever attend a zombie movie if youre terrified of zombies.
You live, you learn.
