WHEN my brother was eight years old he asked my dad to buy him a Nintendo game called Pete's Soccer.
"That sounds pretty boring," my dad said.
"But dad," my brother said, bringing him the sales flyer.
"Oh," said my dad, "Pele's Soccer. That makes more sense. The answer is still no."
Soccer is powered by players with great skills, great names and, occasionally, both. In honour of Pete, Pele, and the sublime Kaka, I watched the opening game for each team in the Euro 2012 Championships - perhaps the best soccer tournament on earth - to pinpoint some of the names you should be following as 16 of the world's best teams rip through three weeks of awesomeness in Poland and Ukraine. Even if you don't know the game, you've gotta love these names.
Group A: Greece, Poland, Russia and Czech Republic
Greek names are more succulent than a plate full of lamb souvlaki. The best of a great bunch on this team is defender Sokratis Papastathopoulos, pronounced on-air as something like Socrates Mumblemumbleopoulos. His famous Greek-thinker namesake may have foreseen the trajectory of Western philosophy centuries before it ultimately became part of today's scientific method, but nobody could have hypothesized what was about to happen in Greece's crazy opening match against Poland.
Apparently the ref was not much of a philosophy fan. "Question this," he said as he handed Sokratis his second yellow card of the first half, sending him off for two relatively tame fouls. Greece somehow still tied it 1-1 and missed a penalty that would have given them a win in this wildly entertaining opening game. Eureka!
The most famous name on the Czech Republic's team belongs to their goalie. He spells it Petr Cech but announcers usually pronounce it Peter Czech. How patriotic. I guess it makes more sense than if his name was spelled Petr Burkina Faso and pronounced Dusty Gold Mines. Whatever his name is, he had a shocker in the opener as Russian forwards, untroubled by such mythical creatures as Czech defenders, fired shot after shot past the goalie. Final: 4-1 Russia. Cech please.
Group B: The Netherlands, Denmark, Germany and Portugal
The group of death began with the Netherlands taking on the group's only lightweight team, Denmark. Naturally, Denmark got an early goal against the run of play from Michael Krohn-Delhi, a man who's fabulous last name sounds like a great little bistro that would serve a lovely glutenfree danish pastry. From then on the Netherlands battered Denmark's goal, led by the dangerous strike force of Arjen Robben and Robin van Persie.
Denmark, however, held firm, thanks in large part to the dominant play of Simon Kjær, a giant, blond defender who is such a Viking he gets to make up his own letters. The problem for the Netherlands, obviously: too many Robins, not enough Batmans.
If I were to tell you that Germany and Portugal played a soccer game and the only goal of the match was scored by a man named Mario Gomez, who would you guess won?
Herr Mario, in fact, has a Spanish father but was born in Deutschland and is as German as bratwurst cooked on top of a BMW V-12 zipping down the autobahn. If there was any doubt, Gomez' driving header was patented German precision as well.
While we're here, in an article about interesting names I would be remiss if I didn't note that Portugal's best chance came from a shot rocketed off the crossbar by a man known simply as Pepe.
Group C: Italy, Spain, Ireland and Croatia
Spain, the defending Euro and World Cup champions, had a lineup full of famous names but they were held mostly in check by Italy's classic defensive strategy anchored by goalie Gianluigi Buffon. The veteran goalkeeper is often referred to as Gigi Buffon, a name that always makes me picture a naughty 1960s housewife dancing burlesque.
Buffon is also one of several Italians being investigated in a domestic match-fixing scandal. So even if their 1-1 draw against Spain has you thinking Italy can dance all the way to the final, maybe think twice before you, er, bet on it.
Out of respect for my Irish forefathers, I will resist poking fun at the name of Ireland goalkeeper Shay Given. He is, after all, the most capped player in Irish history and seems to be quite the family man and philanthropist.
But it was Croatia that was Given it to Ireland in their opener, blasting in three goals, including one that hit the post and bounced in off of Given's face. The Irish wanted a penalty shot when Robbie Keane was kicked over inside the Croatian penalty box, but none was Given.
I guess I couldn't resist Given it to Ireland after all. And really, everyone and their dog has Irish ancestors. I'm sure if you follow your family tree far enough, finding at least one wee Irish is a Given.
Group D: England, France, Sweden, Ukraine
Both England and France scored during a 10-minute flurry in the first half of their opener and then England stationed the Palace guards in front of their net, slowing the game with a defensive 44-2 formation that my editor dubbed the 8-0-2 formation. "Boring as hell," he said. And he's from England!
The game stayed boring until late when France brought on a player named Hatem Ben Arfa. After that it was still pretty boring but at least it had a player named Hatem Ben Arfa in it. Sounds kind of like a dog ordering a bowl of split pea and ham.
In the final game of the opening matchups we got our biggest name - Ukraine's Andriy Shevchenko! This is why we love sports - the opportunity to watch an aging national hero summon a throwback game, score two goals and push an underdog host team to a breathtaking victory. Sometimes it really is a beautiful game.
Of course, the tournament goes on and more great names have already joined the names of the great. Just watch it, for Pete's sake.
