THE Olympics make my wife want to puke.
No, she's not some gas-masked anarchist who flies halfway around the world to scream "corporate greed!" at men on horses, nor is she some elitist who pooh-poohs the Olympics as mere distraction from more important things in life like social justice or the lack of nice places to plug in a hybrid.
She's actually a sensible lady who really enjoys watching Canadian people wearing spandex paddle rowboats or play ping-pong or whatever in an attempt to win medals.
The puking started in 2010 during the Games hosted right here in Vancouver.
At that time, she was three months pregnant with our son and in the throes of terrible morning sickness. For some reason her definition of morning expanded to include the afternoon, night, dusk, dawn, brunch, tea and rush hour. For her, Olympic fever took on a whole new meaning.
So while the rest of us were out partying and waiting in lines, she was at home curled up on the couch with a bucket. Remember that theme song "I believe" that CTV played every 16 seconds? For my wife, that became Pavlov's ringing bell, signifying it was time to toss her cookies.
"Dee-dee-dee-daaa-daadaa-daaahhh, dee-dee-deedaa-blaaaghhhh!"
Long after my son was born, my wife's stomach would still turn after hearing just a few notes of that song - aside from that cool blue pick-up-sticks cauldron downtown, it's the biggest remaining legacy the Games.
The next Olympics start today in London (motto: "Faster, stronger, pastier").
I love watching the Games and will spend the next two weeks the same way I spend every Games: awake.
What I've discovered over the years is that you don't have to have a baby inside you pushing your barf button to feel a little queasy as hour 235 of Olympic coverage rolls by. Here are a few scenarios that may arise over the next two weeks that could have you bringing up your breakfast. Watch safely, and consider yourself warned.
1. The Brian Williams "speaking of" drinking game
CTV Olympic veteran Brian Williams - known in the United States as "No, Not That Brian Williams" - is back to host prime-time Olympic coverage in Canada. Olympic nuts are very familiar with his style as these will be his 14th Games.
There are some common Williamsisms: At least once per Games, he gets fired up with indignation and blasts some group of judges or athletes or officials as "cheats." He's also known for frequently announcing the time, which will be interesting this year, because his broadcasts will come in the middle of the night: "It's 3: 30 in the a.m. here in London's Trafalgar Square; a man calling himself the Duke of Chugsalot just threw a bowl of curry takeout at my producer."
One of my favourite Williams quirks is his use of the phrase "speaking of" to segue to a new topic.
". . . The lightning bounced off of Big Ben and struck a passing horsedrawn carriage, singeing Pippa Middleton's fascinator. SPEAKING OF bolts, the men's 100 metres. . . ."
He says it a lot, and he says it hilariously. Taking a shot of gin for every "speaking of" you hear would make for a great drinking game, but be warned: If Williams finds his segue stride, that Beefeater Dry may be going out the way it came in.
2. Jay Onrait uses his head
Sticking with the Canadian broadcasters, TSN's wacky Jay Onrait has already been unleashed on London and will continue his shenanigans throughout the Games. In his time on the network's late-night Sports Centre show, Onrait has shown he's not above smearing his face with ketchup to fake a serious head injury. With the stakes raised at the Olympics, Onrait may take his act to a new level. I'm thinking an homage to Britain's rich history: a beheading. If he makes it too realistic, he could certainly turn some unsuspecting stomachs.
3. NBC - Nothing But Crying
Heading south of the border, NBC's Olympic coverage has long been making serious sports fans violently ill. For seemingly every event they'll find some American competitor who's overcome the tragic loss of her father's cousin's gardener's favourite lawnmower to heroically finish seventh in archery. Plus they show most of the big-ticket events on a massive tape delay, so that by the time viewers finally see Michael Phelps win his record-setting 19th medal, the swimming star will have already apologized for eight separate celebration-related scandals.
This year, NBC is showing a lot of events live on its website, and they have promised to suck some of the sappiness out of their coverage, but I would still give this warning:
"Viewer discretion advised; portions of this program may contain scenes of tinkly piano music, people overcoming obstacles (it's the hurdles for God's sake!) and a suddenly old Bob Costas. Some adults may upchuck at this content."
4. Ad nauseam
We all know the true Olympic spirit is all about the selling of hamburgers and sugary drinks. We've seen it all before: During the Olympics, the same four commercials play over and over and over again for two straight weeks. At the start, it's a rascally talking beaver that makes you laugh. By Week 2 you're screaming hopelessly at the beaver to shut up.
CTV has already promised they'll have a heavy rotation for commercials advertising Anger Management, a new sitcom starring, gulp, Charlie Sheen.
Bucket, anyone?
