The taste of free cocktails wells up in your throat as though you've swallowed the highball harbinger of your personal doom. You blink your bloodshot eyes and seize control of the company stereo, popping in a bootleg recording of your second cousin's speed metal band, which is the perfect background music for your confession of all-encompassing love to Rose from accounting. Christmas parties are making a comeback this year.
According to an unscientific survey conducted by U.S. firm Challenger, Gray and Christmas Inc., approximately 83 per cent of businesses are planning a holiday get-together in 2012, a 15 per cent jump from 2011.
That may seem like a small indication the recession is waning but it also means you have an 83 per cent chance of being forced to survive your company's Christmas party.
If you enjoy brown liquor and regularly watch AMC, there's a high possibility you will spend your office Christmas party under the misapprehension you're Don Draper.
Remember to limit alcohol consumption. No matter how witty you feel, almost no great insights are preceded by spilling your scotch and blurting the phrase, "An' lemme tell you something else, buddy."
You can roll up your sleeves and loosen the top button, but the moment your tie becomes a headband, a line has been crossed. You will see these people again, and what might seem hilarious in a dim bar has a way of turning ugly under the unforgiving glare of fluorescent office lights. Of course you're tempted to ask your follicle-challenged boss which woodland creature is perched on his head, but if you ever plan to ask that boss for a raise, it's probably best to keep those questions to yourself.
It is possible to squeeze a modicum of fun out of these parties, but it does take some careful plotting.
There will be a fun table, a serious table, and a table dominated by that one employee who only owns a cellphone for the purpose of accosting strangers with a wacky slideshow featuring Mittens the cat. Confer with the employees you like ahead of time and figure out precisely when you need to arrive. Sharing a cab with the wrong person can mean the difference between having a good night and hearing a monologue about Mitten's struggle with a urinary tract infection. And whatever you do and no matter what Johnny Cash song comes on the stereo, don't give your love to Rose.
