IT'S election time here in British Columbia - the writ dropped on Tuesday.
You know who's not fired up about this? Folks my age. For youngins like me, when it comes to things dropping, election writs aren't what we're going to get excited about (I'm 32 and I've set the cut off for the youngins age bracket at 35 - just humour me, OK). What we want to see dropping are microphones, new Daft Punk albums and panties. Am I right? Wooo wooo!
[Editor: Andy, you're a married, middle-aged man with two kids. Cool it.]
Right, right sorry. I just find it funny that elections officially "drop," much the same way that a new Snoop Dogg record would do. The only difference being that a Snoop Dogg record brings so much more joy with surprisingly less swearing.
The point is, elections have a reputation of being an old-timer's game. We don't get much debate over tuition hikes, do we? Or minimum wage? Candidates know who is listening in, what questions are coming and just how to answer them.
Typical question 1: Why do I have to wait so long for my new hip?
Liberal candidate: "It's the unions!"
NDP candidate: "It's the Liberals!"
Typical question 2: How are you going to get those durned kids off my lawn? They're wearing their hoodies and up to no good.
Liberal: "Put 'em in prison!"
NDP: "Buy 'em ponies!"
Issues important to younger folks like myself are a little harder to suss out. In general, they're the issues candidates don't talk, worry or care about. You never know, however, when a young adult is going to head to a Legion hall to ironically play shuffleboard and just happen upon an all-candidates meeting. Heck, if they've had enough pre-beers they may even ask a question. But what are they going to ask about?
Don't fret, candidates. My Facebook news feed makes it clear what is most important to my "friends." After all, something must be of vital importance if you're going to put it out there on the Internet for the whole world to see, right? Here, then, are the questions of utmost importance to my friends in the 20-35 demographic. I'll even throw in some suggested answers, meticulously calculated by a complicated algorithm of "likes" and "LOLs."
Question 1: Look at what my doggie is doing. How cute is that?
Bit of a softball here. "That's adorable, LOL," seems to be the obvious, diplomatic response. Whatever you do, however, don't say that St. Bernards look stupid in a sweater.
Question 2: How much should designer eye glasses cost?
Capitalists and those who are not on Facebook may be surprised to learn that the only correct answer to this question is "nothing," as long as the questioner gives you a thumbs up and agrees to "buy them" without trying them on. If the glasses are really nice you could answer "$19.99" so long as you offer to ship them for free. Don't push your luck too much though, Minister Moneybags.
Question 3: Music festivals - awesome or lame?
Tricky one here, and one that is foremost in the minds of many folks these days as summer approaches. If the questioner is your run-of-the-mill young adult, an acceptable answer would be "Woooo! Sweet. #WuTang #Mellencamp #Bjork #LimpBizkit. Vodka sack hidden in my pants."
If, however, the person asking this question is wearing ridiculously slim pants and brought their own DIY microphone to the meeting, you'll answer, "Ugh, shower anyone?" and claim you only like going to see shows held in your neighbour's toolshed. The hipster will assume that's some underground club they've never heard of and be jealous of but impressed by you.
Question 4: No question here, but at some point the young voter will likely take out a phone and take a self-portrait photograph. No matter how out-of-focus the subject's face looks, you MUST say "SO hot, xoxo" or risk being permanently unfriended.
Then there's this, which I have copied and pasted word-for-word from my Facebook feed: "finally traded my multipack undies purchased at Marks & Spencer in 2001 (!!!) for new ones from a different Mark's: Work Wearhouse! Seriously comfy AND cute, who knew?"
Please note, that is, in fact, a question. The only answer to this puzzler seems to be smiley face plus "You did, baby."
That's about as tough as the questions get. Other than that, you may want to suggest moving British Columbia to some other location in the world because there's nothing these youngsters like more, it seems, than being somewhere else. Maybe Thailand wants to add a province?
What would I ask if I had the chance? Well, a quick glance at my Facebook page makes it pretty clear I'd roll a bunch of my newspaper columns into a big ball, throw them at the candidates and ask them if they thought they were funny. And hey, look at my kids - aren't they adorable and/or rascally? I suppose if we were all scraping the bottom of the barrel, I might ask the candidates if they could maybe, pretty please, at least pretend to give a crap about the environment. After all, our kids - that's your grandkids, oldtimers - are the future. And, God knows, in 20 years they'll be looking for some untouched, pristine piece of beautiful B.C. land that they can hold a music festival on.
