It was a lovely summer day. I was just five years old and my mother and I were standing under the rose arbour at the side of our new home.
I was just in front her, leaning against her legs. We were facing another mother and daughter combo and the two adults were grinning delightedly.
The talk had started when the neighbour welcomed us to the neighbourhood and ended with the two women deciding that because Sue and I were only six months apart in age we would be able to become friends.
For young children, friendships are more about proximity than shared interests. They end up playing with the children of their parents' friends, with neighbour kids or with the other children at daycare. Mind you, while proximity may start a friendship sometimes it's also the start of a wonderful relationship. In this example, our friendship has lasted 63 years and is still going strong.
Once kids are in elementary school, they start to look for other children who share their interests.
Some kids make friends easily. I recall my nephew coming for a visit. He saw some other kids outside and simply walked up and said, "Hi, I'm Aaron. Can I be your friend?" And then he was playing with the other kids.
But, it's not so easy for all children. The first thing we need to do is recognize that some kids have one or two close friends and that is plenty for them, while other kids will be surrounded by friends. If you were a kid who was part of a large group it can be difficult to watch your child hone in on only one or two other children. But accept that he is different from you.
Support whatever extra-curricular activity interests your child chooses. Shared interests and activities will foster relationships. Whether it's a pottery course, soccer team or acting studio, she will meet kids with her same interests. Welcome visiting children into your home. If he does invite a new friend to your home you want them to feel comfortable. That means offering snacks, saying hello and then leaving them to play together. For a child having problems making friends, playing with one friend at home can be easier because they can develop a relationship away from the crowded classroom and schoolyard.
Being a driver is a great way to bring your children together with other kids. Whether it's carpooling for soccer games or practices or driving for school outings, your child will be in the car with other kids. You can quietly set this up by making arrangements with other parents on the while you are watching a game. Choose a child your son seems to talk to at soccer and set it up. The beauty is that there is no pressure on the kids because you are simply driving the other kid home.
If he's having problems making friends listen to his concerns without jumping in immediately with solutions. Sometimes all he needs is a chance to talk.
If he needs more than a chance to talk, help him develop a plan. "What do you think would happen if you sat beside the other boys at lunchtime? What could you say?" Then practise with him. If he has a problem making the first move, put something in the lunchbox he can share. Offering a small candy, some fresh strawberries or a cookie is an easy way to start a conversation. If he just doesn't seem to be having any luck making friends, take a look at how he relates to people. Does he have some behaviours that may be causing a problem? Is he bossy or extremely shy? If so, help him to recognize the problem and develop alternate behaviours.
His teacher is a great person to have on your side. Talk to her about what she observes. Is there a classmate who would make a good match with your child? Ask her to pair them up on a project. You may discover, however, that's he's doing just fine at school and just hasn't told you about his school social life. Some kids like to save home as a place to just hang out, then spend time with their friends at school and on the soccer field.
Friends are important, no matter what your age. But different people have different needs. Some kids have one close friend and are perfectly happy, while others may have dozens. Respect your child's needs and wishes and everyone will be happier.
Kathy Lynn is a professional speaker and author of Vive la Différence, Who's In Charge Anyway? and But Nobody Told Me I'd Ever Have to Leave Home. If you want to read more, sign up for her informational newsletter at parentingtoday.ca.
