YOU asked Hunter to pick up his toys and he said that he would.
You were so pleased that he was so obliging. You left him to the mess of toys and went off to fold laundry. Finally, you think to yourself, he is old enough to follow through on a job.
Twenty minutes later you return to find three toys picked up and the rest lying around. Hunter had left the room and was watching TV.
What happened? It was a case of fuzzy expectations.
If you ask Hunter he will say that he picked up the toys he had played with that morning so his job was done.
When we ask a child to take on a task we need to be absolutely explicit.
"Hunter, I need you to pick up all the toys in the room and put them on the shelf."
Now, Hunter likely knew what you meant but because you had just said, "pick up the toys," he opted to select a different meaning to the chore.
Sometimes our children pretend not to understand what we are asking and sometimes they truly don't know. In either case, when we make our expectations clear we accomplish the intended goal.
When you are going visiting it's important to remind your children about visitor manners. Simply saying, "We're going to visit Great Aunt Matilda and I expect you to behave," may not work.
What does behave mean in this setting?
For starters you need to remind the kids that the rules are different when you are visiting and even more so when the host is elderly.
So, before you go into Great Aunt's home, run through the expectations.
Remind them that Matilda can't handle noise and too much activity. You have brought some quiet play toys and they can amuse themselves with those.
They are to talk to their Great Aunt in a clear voice and answer her questions respectfully. That means giving a clear answer and not being a smart ass even if the question seems silly.
Getting ready is another situation that often gets fuzzy. You say, "get ready for school," and he hears "go to the bathroom," but does nothing about collecting his lunch and backpack, putting on his hat and coat and being able to head out the door totally prepared for the day.
You can either remind him of all the tasks that need doing or make a list (with pictures for a little one) and guide him to that. Then he knows exactly what you mean.
When we are specific with our requests of our children there is less room for confusion and misunderstanding. The kids have a better chance of doing what is needed and the atmosphere in the house will be calmer.
When the requests are fuzzy it leads to other problems.
We may see our children as misbehaving and become angry. They become frustrated because they are confused. It's not a nice picture.
If we use terms like simply calling their name, "Jessica!" in a nasty tone of voice, all Jessica knows is that she's in trouble but not why. When we say to our children, "Be good," they may not be sure what that looks like and despite their best efforts they may let us down.
It's actually quite simple. Remember that our kids do not always know (or want to know) exactly what we need from them. But if we simply give them guidelines they can do what we need and everyone in the house will be happier.
Kathy Lynn is a professional speaker and author of Who's In Charge Anyway? and But Nobody Told Me I'd Ever Have to Leave Home. If you want to read more, sign up for her informational newsletter at parentingtoday.ca.
