? Pain and Gain. Directed by Michael Bay. Starring Mark Wahlberg and Dwayne Johnson.
Rating: 5 (out of 10)
THAT subtlety is not Michael Bay's strong suit is well known.
However, if you've ever walked Miami Beach's Ocean Drive, you know that he might just be the right man to tell a tale of excess and unashamed superficiality.
And there was hope that the director's buddy comedy/true-crime caper Pain and Gain could deliver, reined in by the restraint of a smallish budget (a reported $25 million: barely enough to cover Optimus Prime's personal trainer).
No such luck, as Bay's promising story suffers from too much of everything: gore, violence, extraneous characters, and an inflated sense of its own importance. The movie is all about bulking up, but some serious trimming down could've made it a contender.
Daniel Lugo (Mark
Wahlberg) is a personal trainer at Miami Beach's Sun Gym in the mid-'90s, unwilling to endure "another 40 years of wearing sweatpants to work." After seeing inspirational speaker Johnny Wu (Ken Jeong) in action Daniel recruits fellow gym buddy Adrian (Anthony Mackie) in a nefarious scheme to kidnap one of their clients, slimy deli owner Victor Kershaw (Tony Shaloub) and get him to sign over all of his assets.
With the arrival of recently released convict Paul Doyle (Dwayne Johnson, looking even less like a Paul Doyle than he does a Dwayne Johnson), the team is complete. "I watched a lotta movies. I know what I'm doing," Daniel reassures them. Together these guys bumble their way through every plan, worse than amateurs. It would be silly stuff were it not true, which is the only reason we watch after the first blood is spilled.
Flush with cash, the boys become careless, broke and greedy for more.
World-weary private investigator Ed du Bois (Ed Harris) is called in to pick up where the disinterested Miami Police left off; no one can believe that three ninja-clad muscle men perpetrated the crime.
Johnson gives the best performance here. His gentle giant is putty in Daniel's hands, and his tenuous grip on prison-born faith and sobriety is a sad thing to watch. Wahlberg is merely fine; Mackie's role consists mostly of jokes about his lost manhood.
The true story, gleaned from Pete Collins' magazine articles, is ridiculous enough on paper without extra embellishment.
Disappointing, then, that Bay chose to add to the mayhem with redundant chase scenes and added gore (I lost interest after the Chihuahua toe snack).
Rather than present the story as a darkly comic cautionary tale, the film is so much hammy fun that it is sure to inspire the same felonious career ambitions among many in the audience. Other things learned from watching the film: women are hookers or strippers, or well on their way; steroids will shrivel up your man parts and cause impotence, but it's played for a few cheap laughs here (with Rebel Wilson playing Adrian's understanding girlfriend, again too much).
