KIDS are not immune to problems but all too often they are protected from either the ticklish task of solving the problem or dealing with the consequences of their behaviour.
Six-year-old Jared and eight-year-old Olivia are in a major tussle over the TV remote. They both want to watch TV but are arguing over which show to select. As Jared tries to grab the remote that Olivia has in a death grip, their yelling and screaming brings their dad running to the room.
He quickly assesses the problem, sets up the PVR to tape one of the shows and then turns the channel to the other. Problem solved.
Ryan's mother, Deborah, sighs when she sees that 11-year-old Ryan has left his school project sitting on the dining room table. He never gets himself organized to bring all his stuff with him to school. She knows the project is due today. If he doesn't submit it he will lose marks for missing the deadline. She figures if she hurries she can drop it off at the school on her way to work. Problem solved.
But what have the kids learned? Well, we can see that they haven't taken any steps toward solving their own problems. And they have learned that someone else (usually Mom or Dad) will solve their problems for them.
Most of us are aware that there is a problem-solving process. But we don't consider teaching it to our children. As long as we avoid teaching them how to generate their own solutions, we will be the ones handling all their conflict and problems.
So, let's take a look at a better way. In the short run, it's more work and challenge to teach kids to handle their own disputes and problems.
But like all the challenges of child raising, teaching them to look after themselves has major long-term benefits. It's also the right thing to do if we want our kids to grow up to be capable young men and women.
Step one is to identify and define the problem.
Throughout this whole process the trick is to let the kids have the time they need to do the work. It's easy for us to identify the two TV shows at the same time, or always forgetting homework. But when we do the work, they don't learn.
Take as much time as necessary to listen until a clear definition of the problem is presented.
Next, ask them to generate solutions. Ask children for their ideas. Accept all ideas, don't evaluate, judge or belittle, and keep allowing possible solutions until there are no more ideas. You might be surprised at the creative ideas they develop or they might actually come up with exactly what you would say. The point is for them to think of as many ideas as they can.
Once you have a list of possible solutions, evaluate them. Some may be downright silly and the kids will giggle while the three of you decide they just aren't going to work.
For example, buying more TVs is not going to make the cut.
Allow everyone to have an opportunity to state their feelings about the list of ideas created in the previous step.
Decide on the best solution. Most often after the evaluation, one solution usually emerges as ideal. If not, use consensus to select one, or create a solution from a combination of ideas.
Implement the solution you have chosen. This is the step that is most often missed and causes problems. Once the solution is selected, make a note of what is needed to make it happen. Who will do what, and when?
And it's essential to have a time for a follow up evaluation. The decision is that Ryan will collect all his school materials together before he goes to bed and put them right by the front door.
It's now one week later. Is it working? If so, great. If not, it's time to revisit the process to find a solution that will actually work.
Once you have worked through problems with your kids you will find that they can often handle small problems on their own and come up with solutions that work.
Kathy Lynn is a parenting expert who is a professional speaker and author of Who's In Charge Anyway? and But Nobody Told Me I'd Ever Have to Leave Home. If you want to read more, sign up for her informational newsletter at www. parentingtoday.ca.
