TWO-AND-A-HALFYEAR-OLD Brianna managed to stay dry and clean all day. She made it to the bathroom every time she needed to. Her parents are ecstatic.
The next day she wet her pants. Her parents are confused and angry. After all, she proved that she can stay dry but here she is, back to her old tricks.
Three-year-old Jordan comes down to breakfast completely dressed and ready for the day. He does this four days in a row. Prior to this, his parents had to dress him or at least cajole him into getting up and dressed. But on day five he only manages to get half dressed and asks for help with the rest. His parents are perplexed. Where is the little boy who has been dressing himself without their help?
Think about when your baby first learned to walk.
You crouched down, held out your arms and your extremely talented child took one or two quavery steps toward you. It's official, she can walk.
But we all know that the next day, when she wants a toy across the room she will crawl over to get it. For the first while walking is a novelty, then she will walk about half the time and finally walking will be the way she travels. Learning to walk is a process. The same will be true for every skill she masters.
I often liken it to learning a second language. When I talk to people who have learned a language they tell me that while they can speak the second language, it's more tiring. They look forward to times and situations when they can relax and speak their first language. I often talk to parents who really enjoy cooking and putting a good meal on the table. And yet, there will certainly be times when they simply do not feel like preparing a meal. They need a break.
The skills that our children develop do not seem profoundly difficult to us. After all, how hard can it be to put on socks? On the foot and pull up, no big deal. But it can be a big deal when it's a new activity.
It's so easy to assume that once a child has mastered a skill they have it forever. Brianna's parents may react by looking at her with dismay and saying, "What happened? Yesterday you stayed dry all day. Why can't you stay dry today? I want you to change your clothes and pay more attention so that you make it to the bathroom on time next time." If they understand that she is still trying to get it right, a better response would be to be matter-of-fact, help her get changed and go on with your day. Remember, she wants to succeed as much you do but if you make her feel ashamed she is going to feel just awful and may end up having more accidents.
When Jordan needs a break from dressing himself acknowledge that you know he can dress himself but just wants some help today and that's okay. While you work with him to dress himself, you can be positive and let him know that you know that the next day he will probably be ready to take on the job alone.
It's a case of understanding that when kids are mastering a new skill, it is tiring and they need a break. Don't assume they are lazy or irresponsible.
When you refer to your help as giving them a break you are acknowledging their feelings but also setting the expectation that they will go back to taking care of the skill the next time.
Kathy Lynn is a professional speaker and author of Who's In Charge Anyway? and But Nobody Told Me I'd Ever Have to Leave Home. If you want to read more, sign up for her informational newsletter at parentingtoday.ca.