I remember report card day in elementary school. The cards would be handed out in order of success. So the kids with the best marks were called up first. It was awful.
I remember standing in a group while we were chosen to play on team A or team B. I knew I would be standing there for a long time and likely picked last. It was awful.
This is the kind of behaviour that has caused us to want to recognize all kids equally.
And we do, but have we now gone too far?
All kids are not equal in all endeavours. With the exception of two-year-olds who believe they can take on the world, kids know this.
Ask them who the best runner is in Grade 1 and they all know. And they tend not to judge, until an adult lines them up to choose a team with each team leader (the two children determined by the adult to be the most skilled at whatever sport) selecting back and forth one at a time until only the "losers" are left standing. Talk to most adults and they can remember that when they were children their greatest fear was being chosen last and chosen grudgingly.
Now, watch a group of kids in the park setting up a soccer
game. They will spend a great deal of their time choosing a team to make it fair because that's more fun. "If you get Layne who is the best goalie, we get Duncan who is the best forward." They are not interested in setting up a situation to centre kids out, they want a fun game. It's a very different dynamic.
I recently heard about a team coach who gave out small prizes to a select few after each game.
And the kids were fine with that. Why? Because he gave prizes for athletic ability in that game but also for a range of other related and important team abilities including great sportsmanship, good leadership in the locker room and helping other kids. He also rotated prizes so different kids got them on different weeks and in the end, every kid was recognized equally for his or her unique skill. It was brilliant.
It was also controversial. While the kids loved it, the parents wanted every kid to get a prize every week.
In my view that's a mistake. It takes away the honour, the motivation and the excitement. If we give all kids, no matter whether they try or not, the same prize as the kids who work hard, we celebrate mediocrity.
And when we recognize mediocrity, we get mediocrity. It's that simple. Do we want our kids to discover their hidden talents and develop them or simply rest on their laurels by simply turning up?
Recognition events that shame or put down kids are a bad idea. Recognition that recognizes kids for who and what they are and their effort is fabulous.
So what about elite athletes? Should parents and coaches push kids who seem to have special talent?
A number of years ago, I chaired a panel with Karen Magnussen and Kathy Kreiner-Phillips.
Karen Magnussen is a five-time Canadian champion figure skater and a world gold medalist who won a silver medal in the Sapporo Olympics in 1972.
Kathy Kreiner-Phillips won gold in the 1974 World Cup in the giant slalom. She followed up two years later by taking gold in the Olympics in Innsbruck, Austria.
Both women said that true elite athletes need no pushing. They have a sort of internal engine that causes them to do what's needed to meet the standard of excellence required.
They both told stories about getting themselves up in the morning and going for a run before asking their parents to take them to the rink or ski hill. Magnussen said that she would arrive at the rink so early she usually had to knock on the caretakers' window to get in. So the message is, if you have to push your child, she is not an elite athlete. And let's face it; few of us reach that pinnacle.
Don't be afraid of all competition. Challenge them, let them enjoy themselves, help them find their unique talent and have fun.
Kathy Lynn is a professional speaker and author of Who's In Charge Anyway? and But Nobody Told Me I'd Ever Have to Leave Home. If you want to read more, sign up for her informational newsletter at parentingtoday.ca.
