QUESTION:
My 28-year-old nephew has been struggling with addiction for many years. His parents have taken a tough love stance and have cut off from him. He was not invited to the family Thanksgiving dinner. We were quite close when he was younger and I feel torn about how, or if, to connect with him. I would appreciate your thoughts.
Answer:
There are few extended families today who have not been touched by addiction and the dilemma of how to deal with it.
Usually there is an extended history of failed attempts to pressure the addicted family member to reform before the decision to cut off contact is made. The tough love approach, as I understand it, is one effort to encourage and support family members to take a clear position around which behaviors they will and will not tolerate.
These positions are more easily suggested than realized and often decisions are made out of anger and frustration rather than out of a clear understanding of purpose and process.
That said, there are not many parents who can witness the slow and deliberate disintegration of the life of one of their children without experiencing a conflagration of emotion that short circuits their best efforts to deal with the crisis.
Given his parents' position, I am guessing your nephew is still in the full throes of addiction rather than some stage of recovery. When in this stage, the addicted individual is consumed by the repetitive and compulsive cycle of sourcing, using and recovering from the drug of choice. There is usually little interest or energy for anything else. Finding out more about your nephew's present challenges is a good first step.
The prevalence of addiction, particularly in young people, has led to a number of differing theories around etiology and management. These theories are often at odds with each other; the dichotomy between the disease model and the hard-line choice model being one example.
Recent research in the field of epigenetics finds that gene expression in the individual is affected by the social environment in which the individual develops. No one (particularly the youngest among us) is immune to stress. In the attempt to understand what lies at the heart of addiction, I think it's important to consider that the addicted individual may well be the family member who is most sensitive to stress, and therefore most susceptible to its absorption.
The anxious brain looks for relief and a drug can provide that relief; however, temporarily.
No addict is an island. He is part of a set of interconnected relationships that affect him just as he affects them. The challenge of the family is to support the individual without supporting the addiction: an effort more complex than most imagine.
I myself am not a fan of cut off. It too often serves the emotional needs of the family rather than the needs of the addicted family member.
You have a challenge ahead of you, but if you can stay clear and consistent in your thinking and your boundaries, you may be able to begin and maintain a connection with your nephew.
Margaret Anne Speak, M.A., C.C.P.A, works with couples, individuals and families from a Bowen Family Systems perspective at Family Services of the North Shore. Questions? Write onthecouch@ familyservices.bc.ca or call 604-988-5281.
