OUR children need to know we love them.
Unconditional love is the cornerstone of a strong parent child relationship. That means that we love her as she is, in this exact moment.
We love her when we have dressed her in her lovely new dress to wear to her aunt's wedding and she went outside and jumped in a mud puddle.
We love her when she stamps her little foot and says, "No!" We also love her when she crawls up on our lap and snuggles in for a hug. She knows that whether we are happy with her behavior or not, we love her.
This love gives kids the security of knowing they have a place in our world and they are safe.
Trust is also important. Without trust, our kids will never feel safe and secure.
Of course, our kids can trust us. We will always be there for them and always love them.
But sometimes we miss the boat. One common word we use is soon. "When will we be there?" our child asks, and we say,"soon." Now, we are currently in Chilliwack on the way to Calgary. Or we're on the phone and say we will be off soon but. . . . It's so easy to just say something to get them to quit bugging us that we don't really consider what we're saying. But if we're honest, we will have kids who take us at our word.
We need to let our kids know when we are leaving them and when we will return.
It is so often tempting to just sneak away. We may put our toddler to bed and not let him know that there will be a babysitter coming after he's asleep. That works well if the child stays asleep but if he awakens he will be totally disoriented when someone other than you comes to his bed. And next time he will simply not believe you when you say you are just running out to the store and will be right back.
Prepare your child for any new or challenging experience. If you are going to the health unit for a booster, be honest. Community Health Nurses tell me about kids who are brought in for an inoculation and their parent has not only not prepared them, she has lied and said they would not be getting a shot.
Now the nurse has to deal with this situation.
The first reaction our child may have is that if we had to lie about it, it must be horrible. And they are terrified.
Tell the truth. Describe what will happen and why. Let them know that it may prick or sting or be itchy for a few days. And then tell them that you know they can handle it. And they will.
But what if they cry? Well, crying is handling it. It is a perfectly healthy way to deal with pain or discomfort. So let them cry and support them while you note that sometimes crying is the best way to cope.
We need to avoid giving our kids mixed messages. Brandon comes into the kitchen and sees his Mom mopping the floor. She is literally flinging the mop from side to side and muttering under her breath. He looks at her and says, "What's wrong mom?" If her response is, "Nothing is wrong," he will be confused and uncertain.
Clearly she is upset and he starts to wonder what he did to make her so angry. But he can't pursue it because although her body language makes it clear that she's furious, he needs to respond to her words.
A much better response would be something like, "Oh, I had a problem with the neighbour and I'm upset. It's a grown-up thing. I'll be okay in a few moments." Now her words and actions are consistent and Brandon can relax and know that he can trust what he is seeing and hearing.
A child who lives in a home with trust and love feels secure and safe, and he will thrive.
Kathy Lynn is a professional speaker and author of Who's In Charge Anyway? and But Nobody Told Me I'd Ever Have to Leave Home. If you want to read more, sign up for her informational newsletter at www.parentingtoday.ca.
