"I'M sorry."
Eight-year old Graydon is penitent. He just totally trashed the living room in a fit of pique and now is sorry. He broke a lamp, threw the sofa cushions on the floor and spilled a plant. The reason is that his soccer team just lost their game and they are out of the playoffs.
What are his parents to do?
Well, he has apologized and recognized the inappropriateness of his behaviour. He also had a reason for his actions. Should his parents accept his apology, understand the reason and move on or should he still have to take responsibility for his actions?
His parents need to accept his apology, talk about better ways to cope with disappointment and have him take responsibility for the mess and breakage in the living room.
It is important not to excuse his behaviour, even when he has a reason for acting up.
There is a difference between being apologetic after an action and wishing that you had behaved differently and taking responsibility for the outcomes of the situation.
First, Graydon's parents accept the apology. They listen to him while he talks about what he did and how he feels about it and are supportive and sympathetic. After all, we can all relate to losing a game, job or opportunity and wanting to lash out. The good news is that he went after inanimate objects and not his sister.
The next step is to work with him to develop strategies for what he can do the next time he is frustrated or angry. How can he work it out without being destructive? A run around the block, a set of jumping jacks or simply counting to 10 are some ideas.
But, after all this, he still has a problem. The living room is a mess, a lamp is broken and he is responsible. It's important that he take responsibility. Maybe he works hard with his mom to clean up the room and then uses his allowance to pay for the lamp. Now, I don't imagine he would have enough money to actually buy a lamp but if he contributes that would be fair enough.
When young children can simply apologize and then walk away they soon learn that penitence can replace responsibility. And when they can make excuses and blame something else for their behaviour they stop worrying about how they act and react.
They may become young men and women who, after behaving badly during a riot make a seemingly heartfelt apology online followed by the excuses. "I was drunk" or "I got caught up in the moment." They will believe that is enough, because since they were little that was all they needed to do, apologize and offer an excuse.
Kids will also learn to avoid responsibility if parents routinely save them. For the third time this week, 10-year-old Melissa has forgotten her lunch. Her dad slips out of a morning meeting to go home, get the lunch and deliver it to the school. You can almost guarantee that he won't be the only parent at the office dropping off forgotten lunches, gym shorts or homework projects.
Melissa is being taught that she doesn't need to take responsibility for her own stuff because Dad will always save her. Or as they say, "whenever you see a child who always forgets, she has a parent who always remembers."
It's not fair to suddenly decide you're not going to save your child. After all, if you've been doing it all along, they have the right to expect you to continue. So, talk to her. Tell Melissa that she is now old enough to remember her lunch, help her develop a system (like putting it at the door first thing in the morning) to help her remember and then back away.
And don't worry. If she forgets lunch, she will not starve. Other kids will share. Mind you, they will probably give her the food they like the least so odds are she will actually have a meal rich in vegetables and totally lacking in sugar.
If we want our children to grow up to be responsible citizens, it starts now. Let them take responsibility and they will learn that is simply normal and expected. Kathy Lynn is a parenting expert who is a professional speaker and author of Who's In Charge Anyway? and But Nobody Told Me I'd Ever Have to Leave Home. If you want to read more, sign up for her informational newsletter at parentingtoday.ca.
