MOM is sitting and watching TV and 11year-old Owen is in the kitchen.
"Bring me a glass of water," Mom says to Owen. Later that evening Owen is doing his homework at the kitchen table and says to his mom, "I want a glass of orange juice." "That's no way to ask," his Mom responds.
"What should you say?"
Aiden and Caroline are playing in the den at the end of a long hallway. Mom yells to let them know that she wants them to wash their hands and come for dinner right now. The next day the kids are again playing and they yell at mom to come right now because they need her help. She yells back that if they want to talk to her they should come to her, they know where she is and she doesn't appreciate being yelled at.
If we want our kids to learn good manners, we need to model the behaviour.
Mom can say please when she asks for the water and she can walk down the hall to talk to the kids about dinner. She can also give Aiden and Caroline some notice rather than expect them to drop everything in that exact minute and come to the table.
For our kids to learn good manners we need to teach, model and then expect them. It requires us to be aware of how we behave and what they need to learn. We all know, for example, that many young parents clean up their language when they have a child. Suddenly they can imagine some of the more unsavoury words and expressions they use coming out of the mouth of their child.
The same is true of our behavior.
If we want our kids to say please and thank you, we need to not only ask them to do so and teach them when to do so, we need to show them by our actions.
Appropriate use of technology is going to be an increasing issue when it comes to manners. If Mom and Dad put their phones on the table when they sit down to dinner and actually answer any calls that come in, why should they be surprised when their kids want to do the same?
Dad and Simon are going to the hardware store. Simon is pleased that his Dad has included him in this trip. They are going to buy some parts they need to repair the kitchen faucet. They are chatting about the work that needs to be done and why the faucet broke. Then the hands-free phone rings and Dad takes a call. For the rest of the drive he chats with a colleague about an upcoming golf game.
After the faucet is fixed, Simon and his Dad are chatting in the living room when Simon's phone rings. He goes to answer it but his father stops him saying, "Let it go to voice mail. We're having a conversation, it's rude to take a call."
Simon says nothing but certainly thinks about the call his father took in the car.
Children can also be rude by farting, belching, coughing loudly with their mouths open and the like. Instead of saying, "That's disgusting!" teach them. They actually don't know about proper behavior if we don't tell them.
One way we can get into trouble with teaching manners is by laughing at them when they are inadvertently rude.
What's cute in an 18-month-old might be downright rude two years later. But it's confusing for them if you suddenly change your reactions.
A challenge for parents and kids occurs when the child wants your attention while you are talking to another adult. Teach them to approach quietly and wait. You should respond as quickly as possible.
Whispering is rude. Teach your children to either say what they need to say out loud or ask to speak to you privately.
Having polite children is simply a matter of paying attention to both your behaviour and theirs.
Kathy Lynn is a professional speaker and author of Who's In Charge Anyway? and But Nobody Told Me I'd Ever Have to Leave Home. If you want to read more, sign up for her informational newsletter at parentingtoday.ca.
