ELEVEN-YEAR-OLD Brianna lets you know that she'd like to go to her friend's house after school.
You tell her it's fine and that you need her home by 5: 30 p.m. Her response is not a polite OK or an explanation about why that won't work. She rolls her eyes and sighs, "You have got to be kidding."
Excuse me. You realize that over the past couple of weeks she has been flippant, smartalecky or just plain rude and you know that you had better address it right away.
Back-talk and sassy language are bad enough when directed at parents but the problems accelerate when your child is rude to a teacher or coach.
Your child could find herself isolated from others or in trouble at school because of her behaviour.
So what causes this sort of language? Often they are copying someone else.
The first place to look is in the mirror. How do you speak to your kids? Are you rude or sarcastic? How do you speak to your spouse, friends or other family members? Kids learn more by watching others than any other way and we are the ones they watch most often.
Sometimes kids are simply trying to get attention. They may have mouthed off once and it worked. You were totally focused on them and their language. It's important that kids get our attention but it's up to us which of their behaviours we will notice.
The solution is twopronged. First, let her know that you are not going to listen when she is rude. Then ignore her when she is sassy and quickly respond when she speaks respectfully.
On the other hand take a look at whether you have been spending any time with her. Maybe you could pick her up from school at noon one day and take her to her favourite restaurant for lunch.
Older kids think it's cool to be lippy. They hear other kids who they see as the popular kids mouthing off so they decide to try it. It sounds so cool and so grownup. Again you announce that you refuse to respond until she speaks in a polite and respectful manner.
Consider that she is now ready for some increased independence. Tell her that she is older so she can have some extra privileges. It's easy to forget that our kids are growing up and need to be treated appropriately.
Pay attention to what your kids are watching on TV, videos, YouTube and movies. As much as possible, monitor what they are watching. This is fairly simple when they are little but as they get older, access to TV and video is everywhere and you simply can't stay on top of it. But, if you can watch with them from time to time and ask them what they think of the language, you will make your point. Now, they will dismiss your concerns, "Oh Mom, it's just a video, relax" but they will also hear your input.
It's really all a question of respect. When we treat our children with respect and set the expectation that they will not only respect us but also their siblings and friends, we are setting a standard for behaviour
State your expectation clearly. "Our family speaks respectfully to everyone." And you can add, "When you are rude, disrespectful or sassy I will simply not listen."
Some non-verbal language is also sassy. Kids who roll their eyes or sigh whenever we ask something of them are being rude. First, make sure that you don't behave that way and then ask your children to behave correctly. "When you roll your eyes every time I speak it is disrespectful and I need it to stop."
Back talk often starts when kids are about four years old and accelerates until you nip it in the bud. Be calm and clear and this behaviour will end.
Kathy Lynn is a professional speaker and author. If you want to read more, sign up for her informational newsletter at www. parentingtoday.ca.
