Thank you distinguished teachers, loving parents, younger siblings currently wiping boogers on the chairs, and, most of all, you members of the kindergarten class of 2016 for inviting me here today to give the commencement address at your graduation ceremony.
If I could start by giving you just one piece of advice on this momentous day it would be this: please stop leaving big globs of toothpaste in the sink. It’s gross, and your little brother keeps eating them thinking that they’re mints.
For many of you this is your second or even third graduation ceremony, having already obtained the noble status of daycare graduate and preschool graduate. It’s truly remarkable what you have already accomplished in your short time here and … Brayden! For the last time stop using your diploma as a lightsaber. This is not Jedi school!
Savour these moments. You may not remember last year’s graduation – you were four years old after all – but I sure do. You were timid little preschoolers doing your best to walk across the stage without stepping in Jayden’s big puddle of pee. And look at you now – proud, confident, capable children. It’s been at least four minutes since I’ve heard one of you make a fart joke.
This lofty honour proves just how much smarter you already are than your parents. I didn’t graduate for the first time until I was 18 years old. I can still taste the warm Molson Canadian we chugged before the ceremony. And then, I’m told, there was a party inside a barn?
The memories are fuzzy because, uhhh, it was so long ago.
I woke up the next morning no longer a boy. I was a man – a man ready to face whatever challenges came my way, including figuring out where I left my cummerbund (it was in the chicken coop). I vowed on that day that I would spend every moment of that summer and the years to come filling my mind with all the knowledge any human being could hope to attain while watching The Simpsons. And you know what? You don’t win friends with salad.
Think about that, kids. You don’t. Win friends. With salad.
It took me six more years of schooling to make it to my third graduation ceremony, the spot that many of you are at now. I’m reminded of how important these milestones are every month when I make a huge student loan payment.
I often like to go to the library, scan the stacks and feel the awesome power of the collected wisdom of our species. It’s at moments like those that I say a little prayer of thanks for our education system, and then head to the DVD section to sign out the last remaining copy of Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2. Watching free movies is one way to distract myself from my crippling debt.
Cherish this day, little ones. When times get tough you can think back to this moment when you took a brave new step in life surrounded by those who love you most who were able to take the morning off work. You may not be able to see all the faces of your loved ones, but you must believe they are here now, attached to all those hands holding up iPhones.
I used to think these tot graduations were silly. Why should we have this big ceremony when your only real test this year was whether or not you would say dirty words in class?
But you know what? You made it. You effing made it. Sure, many of you slipped up and said dirty words all the time, but life is all about learning from your mistakes. Like you, Cayden – I see you over there using your mortarboard as a plate for your cottage cheese. That’s a mistake, and I know you’ll learn from that.
You all walked up here so proud, so confident today, and just watching you made me realize why we’re all here.
There’s my own boy up there, waving frantically at me every three seconds and flashing the goofiest of grins. Hi Buddy. Yes I see you. Hi. Hi!!! I freaking see you, OK!
Keep it up kids. Let’s all meet back here in seven years for elementary school grad, where I hope you’ll still have those goofy grins on your faces. Your smiles make this all worthwhile.
Congratulations, have fun, and be safe tonight.
And take it easy on the cottage cheese.
Andy Prest is the sports editor for the North Shore News and writes a biweekly humour/lifestyle column. He can be reached via email at [email protected].
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