If there’s one thing newspapers love to do around Christmastime, it’s spread joy through poems, songs, quizzes and year-in-review articles.
And when I say “spread joy,” what I mean is “fill massive holes in the newspaper that are empty because all of the reporters are at home doing some investigative journalism on the liquor cabinet.” The gin is in cahoots with the tonic? What a scoop!
It’s no big deal – politicians and judges and criminals and Kardashians all take holiday breaks, so there isn’t a lot to report on. Fun and festive holiday content fills in the gaps admirably, and so in that spirit I’d like to present the first annual Laugh All You Want Christmastime Year-In-Review Poem/Song Quiz
Challenge, or LAYWCYIRPSQC for short. Here’s how it works: I’ll present a joyful original stanza describing the news of 2016 and you have to guess what famous Christmas refrain it is based upon. Sounds fun and easy, right? Let’s play!
1. ‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through Trump Tower, old rich dudes were mingling and toasting white power. Stockings were stuffed with cash for the man, who would empty each one with tiny orange hands.
The children were nestled all snug in red states, wearing fake gold pyjamas labeled Make Christmas Great! And Vlad in his bear skin and Don in a sweater, had just settled down for a long game of checkers.
When down on the street there arose such a titter, they grabbed their phones to see what was on Twitter. “This Prest guy in North Van his column is BAD. North Shore News used to be great, now look at it. Sad!”
Sorry, that one was probably too easy. And not really all that joyful, if we’re being honest. My bad. Let’s move on to the next one.
2. Rudolph, the Giuliani, used to be a decent mayor. At least when trouble started, all the people knew he cared. Now he’s a very strange person, stumping for his orange friend. “We should lock up old Clinton, if she ain’t already dead.”
Then one soggy New York day, Donald came to say, “Rudolph with your insane face, won’t you be my Secretary of State. Then all the Internet loved him, as they shouted out with glee, Rudolph the Giuliani, even Trump says you’re crazy! Even Trump thinks you’re craaazzyyyyyy!
Did ya get that one? It is, of course, “Good king Wenceslas.” Alright, moving on.
3. You’re a mean one, Newt Gingrich. You really are still here. You were booted in the 90s, now you’re back to ruin the day, Newt Gingrich.
You nauseate me, Newt Gingrinch. When they said they’d drain the swamp, should have known they’d leave some slime, Newt Gingrinch.
I’m going to stop there because there’s no chance of winning an insult contest against Dr. Seuss. I mean, behold: “Your heart is full of unwashed socks, Your soul is full of gunk. …”
Just imagine what the good doctor could do to 2016. Alright, next one.
4. Jingle bells, Clinton smells, climate change ain’t real. Russia runs the White House now, they love Art of the Deal.
Whoa, whoa, this is getting out of hand a little. Can we slow things down a bit with an old-timey classic?
5. I’m … dreaming … of a white … Christmas. (That’s better.) With every person also white.
Hey! Just stop that. This is turning into a bad Mel Brooks parody. And please – the preferred usage is “alt-right Christmas.”
Let’s get away from American politics for a bit – it’s not like they control the fate of the world or anything – and sing a little something that’s closer to home. Here’s an ode to Vancouver, 2016.
6. Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus, right down Santa Claus lane. Too bad the houses all are empty, ‘cause prices are insane! Sell my children, fake my death, I still don’t have a down payment, that’s why my family and I still live in someone else’s basement.
Did you get that one? Can you feel the joy?! Maybe that’s enough Christmas spirit for now.
The year 2016 was a nasty one for some, but for others it will go down as one of the greatest ever – you just have to change your perspective a bit. Several dear friends of mine had babies in the last few months, so 2016 was pretty sweet for them. And hey, people are saying the new Star Wars movie is pretty darn entertaining too. All is not lost.
So hug those near you and spread love everywhere you can. Use the Force, if you have to.
I’ll leave you with one more stanza, this one from a real person, the truly joyful sports reporter Craig Sager, who died earlier this month after an inspiring battle against cancer:
“Time is something that cannot be bought. It cannot be wagered with God, and it is not in endless supply. Time is simply how you live your life.”
Thanks for reading, and cheers to a great 2017. Go ahead – have yourself a time.
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