It's municipal election season in British Columbia, a time that inspires great passion in dozens of aspiring politicians, a few members of their immediate families and the suddenly bustling niche store Wooden Stakes Rubber Mallets R Us.
By the way, there's a great special on now at WSRM R US: print 500 slanderous, anonymous screeds at their store and they'll throw in two complimentary mudslingers.
Unfortunately beyond those folks, and anyone who is about to build a really tall tower, there isn't much interest in municipal elections. It's a shame — democracy itself was born at the municipal level in the great city-state of Athens, Greece. Olive magnate Sella Pimentos was furious when his neighbour, athletic toga salesman Luulu Lemonus, cut down a grove of Sella's finest olive tress to create a view corridor from the Mediterranean to Luulu's breakfast nook.
Instead of settling the matter in the traditional old world way — poisoned spanikopita — Sella decided to invent democracy, holding the world's first election to form a council to hear his complaints. The council listened intently to all sides of the dispute, debated all courses of action and promptly referred it to Subcommittee 43J in charge of Bathhouse Mould, Olive Groves and Lemon Zest.
Those glamour days are gone. The last round of B.C. municipal elections saw a voter turnout of just 29.6 per cent, according to CivicInfo BC. Things were even worse on the North Shore, with West Vancouver "leading" the way with a 24.5 per cent turnout followed by the North Vancouvers falling within a point of each other (just amalgamate already, you crazy kids), straddling a measly 21 per cent. Those numbers would make a junior high cafeteria "Quiche vs. Quinoa" vote feel shame.
There are two words that should snap up the spine of every lapsed municipal voter: Rob Ford. As the writer of a jokey joke column I am really shooting myself in my half-drunk face here, but voters need to stay involved in politics so that people like Rob Ford are not able to gain power.
Ooof. Writing that hurt. Even here on the genteel North Shore of Vancouver I've found it irresistible to constantly reference Rob Ford's antics in my column. By an unscientific count I've brought up the Comedy Santa in more than a quarter of all my columns over the past year.
I'm relatively new to Ford Nation of Writers Getting Giddy Drunk On His Fumes, but it's easy to look back and see that he was a disaster waiting to happen long before he was ever elected mayor of Toronto. Here's a quick, hilarious, depressing refresher of just a few things Rob Ford did before getting elected mayor:
• Suggested that the city should be a "refugee-free zone."
• During a budget debate, called fellow councillor George Mammoliti a "Gino Boy."
• Was asked, amid controversy, to stop coaching high school football.
• Drunkenly berated seatmates at a Toronto Maple Leafs hockey game. Later denied drunkenly berating seatmates at a Leafs game. When contradicted strongly enough, admitted to drunkenly berating seatmates at a Leafs game.
That's just the tip of the vodka-flavoured iceberg, yet he was still elected mayor. Things didn't get better. Here are a few non-crack, non-talking-about-his-wife's-genitals things he did after getting elected mayor:
• Photographed driving on the Gardiner Expressway while reading work documents.
• Initiated a "Cut the Waist" weight challenge. Did not lose any weight. Fell off scale and twisted ankle at final weigh-in.
• Skipped two and a half hours of a council meeting to coach a football game. Diverted two city buses for his team when the game ended early, leaving rush hour transit passengers stranded in the rain.
• Was asked, amid controversy, to stop coaching high school football.
• Fled into his house and called 911 multiple times after the crew of CBC 's This Hour Has 22 Minutes arrived with Mary Walsh dressed in character as Marg Delahunty, Princess Warrior. Got angry with the dispatcher when police didn't immediately arrive, reportedly yelling "You . . . bitches! Don't you f—king know? I'm Rob f—king Ford, the mayor of this city!"
Not anymore, bitches. John Tory was elected mayor of Toronto Monday, although Ford, who is battling cancer, was re-elected to his council seat and has vowed to run again for mayor in the next election.
As awesome as all of this is from an entertainment standpoint, it's not really a good way to run any sort of government (or car wash, for that matter). So if you want to make sure that no Ford knockoffs get elected around these parts, just take a look at the candidates. Maybe get out to a debate or two, ask all the candidates if they smoke crack. They may say no, but if you're still not convinced it probably would be best to get a video of the person smoking crack. Then maybe a year later, two years tops, the person will finally admit to smoking crack and then go away forever. Maybe.
If that's too much trouble though, ask the person about density, or bike lanes and their connections to criminal organizations, or curling, or dog poop or whatever is sitting there on your doorstep that you want addressed. These are the people who will be tasked with managing all those little things for the next four years.
Now's your chance. Go ahead and ask. And then go vote. C'mon kids, don't sit by and let the vulgar, the offensive, the distasteful, the downright foul smelling side win. I'm talking, of course, about quiche.
