There's a sentiment going around in some circles that the people covering the Winter Olympic Games that started this weekend in Sochi, Russia shouldn't report on the sports and silliness going on, instead focusing all of their attention on suspected human rights violations.
That's dumb. The only reason anybody has taken any notice of anything that is going on now in Russia is because the athletes are there going for gold. Ignoring the athletic achievement, the riveting competition, the hilarious tandem toilets while focusing solely on suffering would be like going to an eight-year-old's birthday party and spending the entire time complaining about how much they spent on a bouncy castle when there are baby pandas starving in the mountains of China.
There are horrible things going on in Russia, there are hilarious things going on in Russia. We wouldn't know about any of it if it weren't for the Games. Jeff Sharlet's incredible essay in GQ magazine on what it's like to be gay in homophobic Russia would not have garnered near the attention it's getting right now without the Olympic spotlight.
It's scary stuff, but I've always found that the best way to take the fear out of something - much like Harry Potter facing down a boggart - is to laugh at it. Yes, I just casually referenced an obscure Harry Potter creature. And yes, I am still confident in who I am as a man. And no, I don't own my own wizard wand - that'd just be weird.
Anyway, at the time I am writing this, the Games have yet to begin but there is still so much to laugh about and I'm sure there will be more to come.
Before the show even began, though, the truth of the Games seemed even stranger than fiction, so I've concocted a little game of true or false to show just how wacky the lead-up to the Games was.
True or false: When Russian president Vladimir Putin first arrived in Sochi, he went to a national park and cuddled with a leopard. That leopard then tried to attack two journalists who were filming the encounter.
True. Video of the incident showed Putin watching uninterestedly as the leopard he was just petting scratched one journalist on the hand and bit another on the knee, according to the BBC. My translation might be off a little bit but I thought I saw Putin turn to his security team and say, "Thank God the animal did not attack any actual human peoples."
True or false: a company was hired to hunt down the thousands of stray dogs roaming Sochi's streets throughout the Games and kill them.
Also true. A Russian "pest control" manager told the Associated Press that the dogs have been causing numerous problems, including "biting children." Olympic visitors seem to have taken up the doggy cause and are tweeting about the cute little scamps that they've temporarily adopted. Dogloving Canadian columnist Christie Blatchford has been taking photos of all the dogs she sees and posting their cute little faces on Twitter. Air Canada has already started drafting a revised carry-on luggage policy to account for "overhead bin beagles."
True or false: The mayor of Sochi said that there are no gay people living in his city.
It's true he really said that. Mayor Anatoly Pakhomov also told BBC News that homosexuals were welcome at the Games as long as they "respect Russian law" and "don't impose their habits on others." That statement followed Putin's recent declaration that homosexuals would be welcome in Sochi for the Olympics as long as they "leave the children alone." Meanwhile, Boris Nemtsov, a rival politician in Sochi, said the city contains several gay bars.
True or false: These Games are costing Russia more than $50 billion.
True. $50 billion! According to Businessweek, they spent more money on a 31-mile rail and highway link to the ski and snowboard venue than Vancouver spent on the entire 2010 Games. They outspent Beijing, and Beijing hosted the summer Olympics! And it's bloody Beijing! If you've noticed a pattern here it's that all of my true or false questions led to the answer true. I really tried to come up with some false ones but I just couldn't top the truth. Where do you go to outdo doggie death squads, a president with an attack leopard, and a price tag of $50 billion? Stalin's ghost and a polar bear teaming up for the twoman luge? Machine gunwielding woolly mammoths? Rob Ford? We haven't even gotten to the pee-coloured tap water, missing manhole covers or hotel guests opening their rooms to find exhausted construction workers asleep in their beds.
Whatever happens, I'll be watching with hope that Manny and Maëlle strike gold for the North Shore, that the dogs survive and go on to star in their own Disney movie, and that the president and mayor try out some new bars in town and maybe make some new friends.
C'mon Vlad, get up there with the fellas for some stirring karaoke. Given the state of your hotels, I know just the perfect song: "Y.M.C.A."
