Today marks the end of another Olympic Games, and this cheesy Putin special sure gave us a lot to talk about.
Here are the winners (commemorated with a festive "Rainbow!" in honour of the noble fight for rights in Russia) and losers (denoted as "Toilet," in honour of the greatest calamity in the history of the Olympics, according to journalists working the Games).
Rainbow!: The Internet I remember what it was like trying to watch live sports on an Internet feed during the early days of online streaming. It was a lot like trying to watch live sports on a toaster. These Games, however, I've spent a lot of time hiding from my family, watching CBC's online streams and have been blown away by the quality. This, really, is how to watch the Games. No more fear of missing out on some obscure event that doesn't make it onto the big screen. It's all there now, accessible for anyone with a basic computer setup.
Well, it's not accessible on my work computer. To be fair though, my work computer is so old that hotmail is not accessible. I wish that was a joke.
Toilet: Ice dancing So the French sports newspaper L'Equipe published a story before the Games saying that the United States and Russia had swung a deal so that their figure skating judges would make sure Russia won the team competition and the U.S. pair won ice dancing. You'll never guess what happened next.
The judging in the team competition was a little sketchy. The judging in the ice dance short program was downright felonious. The announcers described all the strange determinations used to come up with an ice dancing score - I can't remember all of them except something about Venus being in retrograde, a complicated Rob Ford blood-alcohol metric, and long-distance phone calls to Oprah. I was about to get all indignant about the scandal but then I realized that getting mad at something as abstract as "ice dance judging" would be like getting mad at "donkey firetruck shuffleboard."
The take-home message here is that the United States is in bed with the Reds. Lord help us if they ever make a baby - it'd be big and loud and stink of guns and beets.
Rainbow!: Gilmore Junio Junio is the Canadian long-track speed skater who gave up his spot - or was pushed out of his spot, depending on how you read between the lines - in one of his two events so that faster teammate Denny Morrison, who fell at the Olympic trials, could skate. Morrison went on to win silver and Junio went on to win gold for "most pats on the back." There was even buzz that Junio should carry the Canadian flag in the closing ceremony (an honour not yet bestowed as of the writing of this column).
Toilet: Unhappy Gilmores Not everyone was pumped about Junio's sacrifice though. Toronto Star columnist Rosie DiManno called the skater switch un-Canadian. "I hope Gilmore Junio tells the Canadian Olympic Committee to shove their flagpole where the sun don't shine," she wrote.
So let me get this straight.
Mad that Junio gave up a rare opportunity that most ordinary folks can only dream of, DiManno's advice to him would be to turn down an even rarer opportunity that most extraordinary folks can only dream of. Got ya.
Thanks, though, for bringing back "where the sun don't shine," a term I hadn't heard since my buddy took a street hockey slapper to the nards circa 1991.
Rainbow! Toilet:
Pussy Riot It's been quite a couple of weeks for this Russian band who've seen more jail cells than Justin Bieber's leather pants. I'm not usually cynical but every time I see them get arrested and even beaten up by security guards I can't help but wonder if it's staged to help them make their next music video. The attention they're getting is likely taking away attention from other protestors who are getting mistreated but don't have the same PR savvy.
Then again, it is wonderful that they've forced venerable newsmen such as Bob Costas to say the words "Pussy Riot" on network TV. Who'd you most want to hear say those words? I vote Dan Rather. Or maybe Barbara Walters. Pussy Wiot.
Double Rainbow!: Maëlle Ricker and snowboard cross Huge kudos to our West Vancouver golden girl who took a shot at these Games despite suffering a gruesome injury just 19 days before competition. I know it's gross, but I can't stop saying this: On Jan. 28 she was staring down at her own arm bone sticking out of her own skin! And she still competed! Crazy? Probably. Brave? Definitely. And even though Ricker didn't defend her gold, her sport of snowboard cross made a case once again for possibly being the most exciting thing at the Winter Olympics that doesn't involve the word Tinder (Google it when your spouse isn't in the room).
Snowboard cross is terrifying but irresistible. It's like the Hunger Games with goggles. It should come with a "do not try this at home" warning. I loved it, and I can't wait to see who wins it at the next Olympics. Ah hell, why wait? Where did I leave my copy of L'Equipe?
