On Super Tuesday this week - in which rude 69-year-old talking cartoon orange Donald Trump became the runaway front-runner for the Republican party presidential nomination - Americans set a record for the number of times they used the term "move to Canada" in Google searches.
As that was happening, Canada's immigration website was mysteriously experiencing technical difficulties, although government officials later claimed that the problems were unrelated to high traffic volume or a nationwide attempt at "maybe if we turn off the lights and stay really quiet they'll think we're not home."
For those who couldn't get on the website for Immigration, Refugees and Citizenship Canada (motto: "Give us your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to shovel butt-loads of snow"), I'm here to provide a quick and easy quiz to see if you've got what it takes to move to Canada. Share it with your American friends if they're considering heading north. It's multiple choice - we're pro choice up here. Here we go:
Question 1: Guns are for ...
A) Soldiers, hunters and law enforcement personnel
B) Ringing in the New Year
C) Ensuring no one steps on your shoes at movie theatres
D) Weekends. And weekdays! Oh, and for turning off the TV when you're really mad at your programs but you just ate a whole bucket of chicken and can't get off the sofa.
Answer: A. Although that was a bit of a trick question. In Canada we call sofas chesterfields.
Question 2: Refugees are ...
A) Probably terrorists
B) Yup, definitely terrorists
C) People who have experienced immense suffering and are in need of help
D) I don't know ... Mexicans?
Answer: C. Although that definition could use some tinkering because the phrasing "experienced immense suffering and are in need of help" would include anyone who watched the re-booted Netflix version of Full House.
Question 3: The Stanley Cup is ...
A) A trophy that was actually made in Canada
B) No seriously, Canadian teams used to win it and everything
C) SERIOUSLY. A team called the Canadiens won it like 24 times. Canadiens is just a French word that means "Canadians with Cigarettes."
D) Give us our trophy back you jerks!
Answer: The players are all from Canada you know! Screw you Bettman!!
Question 4: Canadian money is ...
A) Not fake
B) Good enough to buy Marvin Gardens, but not Boardwalk
C) Full of pretty colours
D) Fake.
Answer: A. The colours aren't that pretty, but it is real. Depending on what the stock exchange does on a particular day, you could come up here and trade one American dollar for approximately $Bieber.
Question 5: Health care is ...
A) Your cue to snidely declare "Thanks, Obama"
B) Only for fancy people. Cancer? I'll walk it off
C) A right guaranteed for every man, woman and child
D) Socialist crap that I'll endorse over my cold grave. Hey ma, I shot myself in the leg again. Can you bring the pliers, a mickey of whiskey, a trowel and three packs of Hubba Bubba?
Answer: C. Although if you chose D you get partial credit for use of the word mickey. Unless you thought it was, like, a whiskey bottle shaped like Mickey Mouse. In which case, you will be immediately shot again.
Question 6: Pipelines are ...
A) The dying fingers of outdated, earth-pillaging industries
B) More fun if we send you maple syrup and you send us better Netflix
C) Depends who you ask
D) Big swinging tycoon dongs.
Answer: All of the above? Let's move on.
Question 7: The leader of Canada is ...
A) Called the prime minister, not the president
B) Technically the governor general
C) Technically technically the Queen of England
D) Sure as hell not Donald J. Trump.
Answer: All of the above. And the leader sure as hell isn't Stephen Harper either, which will make Canada even more attractive now for people not interested in being governed by a dude who will trumpet whatever xenophobic ugliness pops into his head if it will help him gain power.
So, there you go, that's the quiz. If you got all seven right, feel free to hop on over the border. And don't worry about not being able to see your favourite American team battle for the Stanley Cup up here. We get all the games on TV.
Andy Prest is the sports editor for the North Shore News and writes a biweekly humour/lifestyle column. He can be reached via email at [email protected].
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