Oh 1993, what a year: Nelson Mandela won the Nobel Peace Prize, Bill Clinton moved into the White House and installed the first ever Oval Office deep-fat fryer; and Justin Bieber did not yet exist.
Speaking of Canadian shame, 1993 was also the last time that a team from the Great White North won the Stanley Cup. It's become a scandalous 21-year drought that seems likely to continue following last season's dismal performance that saw just one of the seven Canadian franchises make the playoffs.
But it's the start of a new year and everyone still has hope. The regular season starts Wednesday so, mathematically speaking, all seven Canadian teams are still in the hunt. So let's have an optimistic look at each Canadian club and lay out the blueprint for what it will take for each to end up drinking Molson out of that beautiful hunk of metal in eight months' time:
Montreal Canadians
Last year: 100 points, 9th overall, lost in conference finals.
Key additions: P.A. Parenteau
Key losses: Thomas Vanek, Daniel Briere, Brian Gionta, The Letter C
Blueprint: In honour of a bold move from Montreal, I will not use one important letter of the alphabet in their blueprint. The anadiens made the unpreedented deision this season to go without a aptain, instead hoosing four alternates. They also hose not to make any major additions to their team while letting several key ontributors go. All that said, they're still talented, fast, and have possibly the best goalie in the world in arey Prie. They were the only anadian team to make the playoffs last season and they won the last anadian Stanley up in 1993. They are our best hope. One thing is for ertain: no matter what happens, our noble hokey pundits will not rest until they've found new ways to blame P.K. Subban.
Ottawa Senators
Last year: 88 points, 21st overall, missed playoffs
Key additions: David Legwand
Key losses: Jason Spezza, Ales Hemsky
Blueprint: The Senators always find a way to be decent, even while shedding star after high-salaried star. The team is as cheap as a loaf of plain white bread and about as interesting. They could, however, win the Cup if their goaltending upgrades work out, defenceman Erik Karlsson becomes "The Swedish Bobby Orr©" and they lobby the government to pass the Spot the Senators a 3-0 Lead Every Game Act. Not likely, but not impossible. Remember the Fair Elections Act?
Winnipeg Jets
Last year: 84 points, 22nd overall, missed playoffs
Key additions: Extra Snowmobile Parking
Key losses: Olli Jokinen, Unconditional Love
Blueprint: The Jets were mediocre at best last season and didn't bring in any new players to change that. Any minute now their fans are going to replace their "just happy to have an NHL team" vibe with "let's hit their bus with a flaming bag of frozen poo." They could, however, win the Cup if they get huge seasons from Evander Kane, Dustin Byfuglien and their young prospects while also replacing the dumpster fire that was their goaltending last season with something more effective. Like, maybe, a terrifying polar bear on ice skates that eats every other team's best players. Not that farfetched, by the way. Have you been to Winnipeg? Their mayor, police commissioner and head librarian are all giant polar bears on ice skates.
Toronto Maple Leafs
Last year: 84 points, 23rd overall, missed playoffs
Key additions: Stephane Robidas, Roman Polak, David Booth, president Brendan Shanahan, Analytics
Key losses: Carl Gunnarsson, Dave Bolland,
Blueprint: If you're heavy into hockey analytics, you probably aren't reading the North Shore News right now. You'll also know that the number crunchers hated the way the Leafs were playing last season, even when the team was winning, and, in the end, the geeks were right. I don't need an abacus, however, to tell me that the Leafs are garbage. Most years I can just check a calendar, note that it's early December and the Buds are already out of the playoff race. They could, however, win the Cup if their new analytics department solves the We Always Suck algorithm and if Morgan Rielly, West Vancouver's own Jesus Christ Hockeystar, can perform the ultimate miracle — making the Leafs actually as good as their fans think they are.
Vancouver Canucks
Last year: 83 points, 25th overall, missed playoffs
Key additions: Ryan Miller, Radim Vrbata, GM Jim Benning, coach Willie Desjardins, Trevor Linden's Face, Good Vibes
Key losses: Ryan Kesler, Jason Garrison, GM Mike Gillis, coach John Tortorella, ANGER!
Blueprint: The Sedins are 34. 34! It seems like just yesterday they were fresh-faced youngsters starring in Doublemint Gum commercials. I'm not going to say their window is closing, but if I were going to come up with some sort of metaphor it would have to in some way involve a double-glazed pane of glass sliding downward to shut off an airway from the outside of a structure to the inside. They still could win the Cup, though, if Father Time scandalously gets caught in bed with Mrs. Time's sister and ends up suspended for the year.
Calgary Flames
Last year: 77 points, 27th overall, missed playoffs
Key additions: Jonas Hiller
Key losses: Mike Cammalleri, All Dignity
Blueprint: The Flames could win the cup if every other player on every other team got mild to moderate Ebola. What - too soon?
Edmonton Oilers
Last year: 67 points, 28th overall, missed playoffs
Key additions: Benoit Pouliot, Nikita Nikitin
Key losses: Sam Gagner
Blueprint: Win the Cup? You mean, the Stanley Cup? Aaaahahahaha. The forever rebuilding Oilers haven't made the playoffs in eight years. I just want to add that 16 out of 30 teams make the playoffs every season. Anyway, maybe the Oilers should rebuild that meteor that crashed into the Gulf of Mexico and killed all the dinosaurs. While the rest of the continent would be panicking over the new Ice Age, Edmonton wouldn't notice any significant change in temperature. Welcome back, City of Champions!
Yup, there's hope everywhere. The Cup is practically ours already. All we need to do now is annex Los Angeles.
