This week you have to wonder if the outgoing Conservative government was really on to something with that whole muzzling of scientists thing.
How else to explain the fact that, one week after the party was swept out of power, news came down from World Health Organization researchers that processed meats such as deli meats, sausages and bacon definitely can cause colorectal cancer? On top of that, the scientists also said that all red meats – beef, pork, lamb, Chuck Norris – probably cause cancer as well.
These scientific facts differed from the commonly held, evidence-based belief amongst the general population that anyone who touches our bacon is at a greater risk of getting stabbed in the neck with a fork.
Now I’m starting to understand why some politicians choose to ignore facts and instead go with their “gut.” What good are facts when they don’t align with your lifestyle choices? My gut tells me that it freaking loves bacon.
At least I think that’s what my gut tells me. I don’t really know – I don’t speak gurgle. I suppose my gut could be saying “I have cancer.”
Scientists, however, claim they do speak fluent gurgle, and as a result, this disturbing bacon-hater conclusion has bubbled to the surface. They seem to be presenting a clear choice: You can eat your favourite meats and maybe you’ll get cancer. Or you can stop eating meat and maybe you’ll live long enough to open a yoga studio, buy a Volvo wagon and drive it off a cliff. By accident, maybe.
What a mess. This never would have happened if Stephen Harper were still alive. Is it too late to call up the Conservatives to see if they’ve got any of their old muzzles lying around? No doubt the Department of Fisheries and Oceans packed up a huge crate-full and shipped them back to Conservative HQ. DFO muzzles shouldn’t be too hard to pick out – you’ll know them by the smell. It’s kind of a combination of kelp and rage.
Speaking of smell, I don’t know if anyone is too surprised that deli meats and sausages could potentially be bad for your health. Nobody starts a health kick by unwrapping a big old coil of farmer’s sausage. Except for, maybe, a farmer.
And deep down inside we all knew bacon was bad for you. It’s kind of a giveaway when you cook a food and then after you’re done you need to pour the leftover juice into a tin can and freeze it instead of pouring it down the drain because it will harden in the sewer pipes and clog them shut. Who could have predicted that such a food could kill you? Everybody, that’s who.
But steak? Really? Filet mignon?
Let’s take a closer look at the cow. From what I can recall from 10th grade biology, Darwin’s theory of evolution champions survival of the fittest. No one, however, would ever accuse a cow of being fit. Big, slow, loud clanging bell: for hungry predators, a cow is basically a mobile Arby’s. So how did cows survive? They were so incredibly delicious that humans decided to guard and protect them, showing great restraint by not immediately turning all of them into kebobs.
If you’re more into “facts” than facts, we can break it down creationist style as well. Six thousand years ago, when God was building all the animals in the Play-Doh Fun Factory, why would God roll out an animal called a cow whose meat is the most delicious thing in the world, then make this animal incredibly slow and stupid so that there is no problem catching it and eating it, and then arm this wonderful, beautiful heat-‘n’-eat beast with a bunch of cancer bombs?
You’d have to think that God would have been too busy for such devious shenanigans, what with all the time God had to spend scattering fake fossils around the world.
Alas, the scientists have spoken, and meat may be our undoing. For me, the old saying “pick your poison” comes to mind. In terms of things that could kill me, I’d rather go with beef than, say, crack. No one is breaking into cars and stealing loose change from the cup holder so that they can hit their dealer up for a chateaubriand.
I guess it’s all relative. The venerable Globe and Mail is best known for its awesome political endorsements (endorse the Conservatives but not Stephen Harper? Look how that turned out: the Conservatives are gone but Harper is still lurking somewhere. It’s Bizarro Globe endorsement. Ahhhh!) but they took time away from political jokes to provide some interesting perspectives on this meaty issue.
Health columnist André Picard made the bold journalistic decision to actually read the study he was reporting on, and he unearthed this bit of data that puts the discovery into perspective: 66 out of every 1,000 people who eat a lot of red meat or processed meat will develop colorectal cancer in their lifetime; but 56 out of every 1,000 who eat very little meat will also develop colorectal cancer.
He also added this juicy nugget: “Since 1971, the International Agency for Research on Cancer has reviewed 982 products, substances and exposures. They found every one of them – from plutonium to sunshine, from cellphones to sawdust – posed a theoretical risk of cancer (with one exception: yoga pants).”
Oh yoga pants: you’ve always covered our butts in style.
The Globe also printed a guest column from the executive director of Colon Cancer Canada who said the most important thing by far out of all of this is reminding people to get early screening. Colorectal cancer is quite treatable if it’s caught early.
So, you’re telling me that eating a ribeye will slightly increase the risk of colorectal cancer but all I have to do to keep myself safe is let a doctor have a look back there every once in a while? I’ll take that deal.
The recommended age to start getting colonoscopies is 50. I’ll be there, doc. You hold the tube, I’ll bring the bacon.
Andy Prest is the sports editor for the North Shore News and writes a biweekly humour/lifestyle column. He can be reached via email at [email protected].
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