Go back in time to 1987 and tell yourself this important fact about the world 30 years later: dogs have video phones now.
A story popped up on my Facebook feed this week about a device that allows dogs who are bored while staying home alone all day – they’ve watched Judge Judy, licked themselves spotless, and are now pondering a second dish of pinot noir – to ward off the weekday demons by popping their face in front of a camera to make a phone call.
Why would a dog need to make a phone call? I think I’ve figured it out: No doubt they are calling each other to co-ordinate their poops so that they get maximum coverage of any area that my kids and I will be playing in. That must be it. How else can it be explained that I end up cleaning dog poo off of at least one shoe about once a week these days? Let’s check the transcript:
Dog 1: “Woof! Hey, Rex! It’s me, Anderson Pooper! The Prest family is headed to the park to play some soccer. I set a minefield just inside the entrance to the park, but I need you to hide some surprises beside the bleachers where the kids like to play. You’ll know which spot I mean by the smell – I peed there. I peed everywhere!”
Dog 2: “Woof! What? I couldn’t hear you. My phone reception is terrible – I peed on it!”
Dog 1: “Bark! Good work. What does your butt smell like!?”
Maybe dogs have even figured out how to send text messages! Why do you think they invented the “smiling poo” emoji? I’ll tell you why: They succumbed to some menacing growling and exuberant hand licking from the Big Dog lobby. Have you heard of a little company called Fido?
Check out this text exchange:
Dog 1: “Woof. Hey, Lord Howldemort! Prest fam iz headed 2 tha beach! Go put some logs by the logs! (Smiling poo emoji). (Smirking cat emoji). (Fist bump emoji).”
Dog 2: “Hi Bark Wahlberg! I’ll drop the (smiling poo emoji) at tha beach aftr I finish watching The Young & Hairless! (Heart emoji). (Hot dog emoji).”
Dog 1: “Kewl. Say hi to your mother 4 me. She’s a real classy bitch. (Wink emoji).”
Dogs. So crude.
The reality is that the dog phones, brought to you by the good people at PetChatz, are meant to allow dogs to call their owners during the day to talk over important things like “who’s a good dog?” and “you’re a good dog!” and “I ate all the mail” and “bark bark bark!”
The devices, mounted on electrical sockets at cute-little-puppy-dog-eyes height, also allow owners to dispense treats and even release scents for daytime dog aromatherapy. Popular scents include steak, fear, and crotch.
There’s more, though! The PetChatz page says that they have now teamed up with DOGTV, billed as the first TV channel designed specifically for dogs.
“Think Netflix on-demand … for pets,” trumpets the release on DOGTV’s website. “DOGTV provides friendly programing scientifically developed to provide the right company for dogs when left alone.”
Finally, science is doing something worthwhile, instead of just making up fairy tales about the “ozone layer.”
I’m worried about the pooches, though. Just last weekend, The Guardian published an expansive feature story about several workers in the tech industry, including the guy who literally invented the “like” button on Facebook, disconnecting themselves from their social media networks out of fear that they were being brainwashed by their smartphones.
“There is growing concern that as well as addicting users, technology is contributing toward so-called ‘continuous partial attention,’ severely limiting people’s ability to focus, and possibly lowering IQ,” the article states.
And that’s just for humans. What about the dogs! What chance would they have of keeping their wits? Why would we want to bring them into this fuzzy internet pseudo life? How will they focus on the important things in life like every single bird that flies by the window if their attention spans and IQs get zapped by addictive phones and on-demand TV?
Dogs should demand better! They don’t need to follow us down this crud-filled pipe, all the way to the bottom where all you’ll find is a bunch of weirdos making up fake news stories about Barack Obama’s Marxist-Leninist pet kitten named Meowmar Catoffi.
Do you love how your dog greets you every time you walk through the door? Good luck getting those slobbers if you arrive home while your little fur baby is nose deep in the latest episode of Game of Bones:
You: “Hi Puppy!”
Dog: “Shut the bark up!”
Is that the world you want? Not me. If you want to live life to the fullest, meet me and the boys in the park. Bring a soccer ball! And a change of shoes.
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