My old boss always warned me about kids with guns.
You can’t keep them from getting hold of guns, he’d say. There’s no escape.
And he backed up his warning by keeping a couple of loaded weapons in his office at all times. In fact, he pulled them out whenever a kid showed up, flashed them around so everyone could see what he was packing.
The kids loved it – they’d come right in and start blasting away at the windows. They were, of course, just sticky dart guns they were firing, but it was always a huge crowd pleaser. It was a big hit with everyone except for the office moms – my boss knew that some of them ran no-toy-gun households and they weren’t too thrilled to see their impressionable youngsters blasting darts at impressionable office ferns.
“You can’t fight it, so why bother trying,” were my boss’s words of wisdom to me knowing that I’d be a father someday soon. You can ban toy guns from your house all you want but your kids will just end up turning other things into guns, he said.
I didn’t really believe him. I’m not violently anti-gun, but I don’t have much interest in them having never actually held a real gun in my life, let alone shot one. I know this is odd given that I grew up in Alberta where, if I’m not mistaken, it’s the law that before leaving hospital every family must ensure that their newborn baby has a proper rear-facing child seat for the car and a proper bolt-action rifle for the crib.
My wife, however, felt strongly about keeping toy guns out of our house. I’ve gone along with it because, like most parenting decisions, I don’t have a strong opinion either way. You know the old rule: “happy wife equals happy … yup … sure … OK, sweetie. Sounds great. Hey, can I watch basketball now?”
At first the ban was easy to enforce. When they were very young our kids would sometimes come across a toy gun owned by a neighbour or friend and ask what it was.
“I’m not sure, bud,” I’d say. “A boat?” Then I’d make a noise like a cruise ship horn. Problem solved. Buuu buuuuuuuuup.
Now that they’re a bit older they don’t fall for that ruse. They’ve never whined about not owning toy guns but they don’t need them. As my boss predicted, they improvise.
This started, as all the fun things that keep us on our toes have, shortly after my older son started kindergarten. He came home with the knowledge that every child is blessed with two free guns at birth: left pointer finger and right pointer finger. It wasn’t long before he discovered that he could enhance the effect by building his Lego pieces into guns. Mouth explosions and gunshot noises completed the package and made dinnertime extra exciting.
“Can I have ice cream now?”
“No ice cream tonight, buddy. You already had a treat.”
“Then I’ll shoot you in the face. Piu piu.”
Charming. The more we tried to stop it the more it happened. After a while my son basically invented a new language best described as “gun.” He started peppering explosions and gunshot noises into nearly every sentence he spoke.
And of course his two-year-old brother was happy to join in. It was actually quite disconcerting, particularly given recent global events, including our U.S. neighbours losing their minds with their depressingly frequent literal gun fights and depressingly idiotic political gun fights.
Right now there is a group of heavily armed men who put on their finest camouflage gear and bravely took over the administrative buildings at a very remote federal wildlife refuge in Oregon.
One of them conducted a short interview on live TV while hiding under a blue tarp.
I can understand the allure of a gun. The only thing that could give a man hiding under a tarp any sense of power at all is if it’s a man hiding under a tarp with a big gun. Or perhaps a magic wand.
Maybe there’s a way out of this madness though. My sons went through their serious gun-loving phase but it faded almost as quickly as it started. They realized that waving a finger gun at their parents had serious consequences, none of which resulted in more ice cream.
All the credible research is clear as well – owning a real gun does not keep you safer but rather increases the chances that you or a member of your family will get shot. Maybe gun lovers will one day realize, as my children have, that guns don’t get them what they want.
Just look at the guys in Oregon. As I write this they’ve been there for almost a week and there is no indication at all that they’re going to be successful in getting the federal belt buckle tax repealed. Or whatever it is they’re after.
I know some people will not like my opinion. All I ask is that if you wish to respond, you leave the guns at home. After all, I’ve got my boys with me. They may show you the finger, but we all know it ain’t loaded.
Andy Prest is the sports editor for the North Shore News and writes a biweekly humour/lifestyle column. He can be reached via email at [email protected].
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