The problem with New Year's resolutions is that most people aim too high, setting unattainable goals that lead to failure in the first week.
They wake up on Jan. 2, hazy from a New Year's Eve bender, to find that in their drunken stupor they've already eaten an entire bucket of fried chicken, turned their new yoga mat into the world's worst bong, and stumbled into a soup kitchen by mistake and told the kindly old nun behind the counter to "go to hell" because she wouldn't "get off her pious little butt and whip up some crab bisque already."
Then they feel shame for a day, then they forget all about it, then they adopt an SPCA puppy, name it Dogberto Luongo, dress it in a stupid sweater and proceed to yell and swear at it for the rest of the year. This is all hypothetical, of course.
The point is, you can't change into an entirely different person overnight. If you're a jerk Dec. 31, you'll still be a jerk Jan. 1. It's probably best to set the bar low for New Year's resolutions. Aim for something that's attainable.
So here are some of the popular yet unrealistic New Year's resolutions to which I've added some suggestions for goals that should be easier to attain.
Unrealistic resolution: Stop smoking.
I've never been a smoker but from what I gather from my smoker friends, quitting is hard, particularly if you're a "social smoker" who gets sucked in every time you're doing something fun such as going to a party, drinking alcohol, celebrating Ugly Sweater Day or simply walking down the street when the song "Rump Shaker" by Wreckx-NEffect comes on.
Realistic resolution: Stop smoking crack.
Rob Ford did it! He only smoked crack that one time when the gangsters were making that video of him and he was using homophobic and racist language and stuff. He told us he definitely does not smoke crack anymore so, hey! It can be done. If he can kick the crack and live a normal life, anyone can do it.
To be honest, I'm not really sure how drugs work. Maybe if you actually smoke a lot of crack it may be hard to quit. And maybe if you smoke a lot of crack you might even lie about quitting the crack. But who am I to question the mayor of Canada's largest city?
Unrealistic resolution: Lose weight.
Really, that sounds awful. If God wanted us to lose weight he wouldn't have made broccoli taste terrible and Baconators taste delicious. You don't want to offend Chef God, do you?
Realistic resolution: Forget the weight, lose your pants.
Particularly if they're really tight and they make you feel fat. Here's what you do - slather your legs in the grease that's left over from your bucket of chicken, squirm into your skinniest pants and then party so hard you end up asleep beside a hot tub without your pants but with a huge hickey on your neck. That's win-win-win, and you can keep the Grade 9 vibe going by celebrating your success by eating an entire box of ketchup chips.
Unrealistic resolution: Stop using your cellphone so much.
Realistic resolution: Stop breathing.
Seriously. I got my first cellphone only about five years ago but now if I had to go without it I might just choose to end it all by taking a hairdryer into the bathtub or going on a bender with Rob Ford.
I bet that if you asked 1,000 parents whether they would rather give up their phone or their kids, 950 of them would say they'd give up the phone but they would have to think about it for at least two seconds. The other 50 would hold up a finger while they finish typing out the important text they were sending to their dog walker, hit send and then say "Sorry, what was the question? Hey, have you seen my kids?"
Alright, enough silliness. This is the second year in a row I've written a column about New Year's resolutions without making an honest resolution. So I'm going to make one now.
As a lazy, cheap, and slightly obsessive man, I've been making myself the same terrible deli meat, cheese and pizza sauce sandwich for lunch almost every workday for the past three years. Now I've read that people who eat a lot of processed meat every day are at a higher risk of such things as death, cardiovascular disease and colorectal cancer.
Death and cardiovascular disease I can handle, but colorectal cancer? That's the one that has the television commercials warning you not to "die of embarrassment." It's not the embarrassment that worries me, it's the potential for huge chunks of my rectum to fall off.
So this year I'm going to set aside the deli meat and try some hopefully not horrible alternative like hummus and olives. No soy though! Anyway, at the start of 2015 I'll let you know how my nitrite-light life is going. If I feel the same or even worse, if I still get short of breath while climbing one flights of stairs, I'm going to buy the biggest crack pipe I can find and smoke a huge bowl of Genoa salami.
