So Denmark, our Canadian cities aren't good enough for you, eh?
What's the matter?
Unimpressed by our children's use of Lego? Not enough food trucks selling pickled herring? Wish there were more paths for your precious little Euro bicycles with your sensibly padded seats and festive paniers?
What say you, Great Danes?
Oh, just the bicycle thing. OK.
Well, let me tell you something, you happiest people on earth; you liver-paste-on-rye-bread-scarfing Vikings; you well-employed, socially mobile, fairy-tale telling weirdos: I kind of agree with you.
I know that it's not all Danes who are complaining. In fact it's just two. And they didn't say a thing about herring or Lego or Thumbelina. But they did call us fat. And they have a point.
Danish tourist Holly Chabowski wrote an open letter to the Ottawa Citizen and several Canadian politicians following a five-week trip that she and her girlfriend took through Eastern Canada. Their complaint was that the Canadian cities they visited weren't livable places, they were parking lots.
"As humans trying to enjoy Canada's major cities (Toronto, Montreal, Quebec City, Ottawa and Halifax) we were treated like second-class citizens compared to cars.... We heard that the mayor of Toronto, Rob Ford, is actually tearing up bicycle lanes to make way for more cars!"
First of all, Danish humans: let's not go judging the entire country based on the actions of Rob Ford. That's like judging the Louvre based on a huge turd someone left in the gift shop washroom. You do know that he really loves crack, don't you?
Anyway, you've got a good point about the rest of it. We should be doing more to reduce the number of cars in use and get more people walking, cycling and taking public transit, clearing up our shared spaces for fun European-style things like picnics or raves or soccer riots or whatever.
We here in Vancouver claim to have the whole healthy lifestyle thing figured out but there are many of us too who spend two hours a day in our cars, furious at how long it is taking to drive up the mountains so that we can go mountain biking.
We have decent bicycle infrastructure and public transit here in the Lower Mainland but the whole system is having a shocking time of it lately. There was that thing where the whole SkyTrain system just stopped working due to a computer glitch. And here I was thinking that I was the only one who had a terrible work computer - maybe the TransLink guys committed one of my cardinal sins like opening Twitter and Facebook at the same time. Rookies.
Then there was that thing where the whole system shut down again a few days later. Passengers stranded, commuter chaos. Not good.
Things are a little different here on the North Shore where we don't have to worry so much about transit shutdowns because they don't give us any transit.
It seems like all we've got is the SeaBus and then maybe a couple of dudes willing to make a few extra bucks by hauling people around in one of those little kid trailers hitched to the back of their bikes. At least we now have those expensive-looking gates that never close guarding the SeaBus station. Good to know that free-loading hippopotamuses (hippopotamusi?) won't be able to sneak onto the boat anymore.
There is actually some transit available on the North Shore. That thing that goes through your neighbourhood seemingly once every three days is called a bus. But really, neighbours, who wants to walk five blocks, wait three days and then pay $2.75 to sit beside other humans on a bus when we all have perfectly good Ferraris for quick trips to the coffee shop, and if we need to get across town we can get the chauffer to bring the Rolls around. Or hell, if traffic into Vancouver is a little sticky, Jeeves can just fire up the helicopter. Am I right?
Seriously though, transit options here should be better, and they should be free. Or really cheap at least. And it should be so across the country. The public apparently agrees. As a sign of good faith after causing commuter chaos with the SkyTrain shutdowns, TransLink caused holiday chaos by making all transit free on Monday's B.C. Day holiday. Lines were once again huge as cheapskates took advantage of the offer.
It proved, though, that we aren't above taking transit, we are all just, in fact, cheapskates. That's also why drivers grumble about the thought of having to subsidize transit with gas and vehicle taxes and the like.
We're always asking what it would take to get drivers out of their cars. How much would gas have to cost to make you think about taking the bus or riding a bike?
But for people set on driving - due to necessity or principle - the question just needs to be presented a different way. We need to ask drivers sitting on Taylor Way in minute 45 of a two-hour traffic jam how much they would pay right now to take half those cars off the road. Would they pay $5? $80? $4,000? Maybe.
Making transportation work is a - wait for it - two-way street. It's time to clear the potholes.
And as for you, Denmark: your input is welcome. Thanks for getting the conversation started. And don't forget to visit other parts of Canada - like our beautiful North, the Rocky Mountains or the majestic Prairies - where traffic jams are more likely to be caused by moose than motors. Just remember to pick up your damn Lego.
