Gentlemen of North Vancouver, we’ve got a problem.
With Valentine’s Day one week away our city/district has just been named the second most romantic place in Canada by Amazon.ca.
Before we start congratulating ourselves on our physical prowess and heading to the freezer to find something to ice down our overused genitals, we should probably have a quick look at what it means to be named “most romantic” by an online store.
I assumed, like I’m sure most of you did, that Amazon had used their Internet powers to somehow spy on us through our computers and phones, and they were reduced to steamy piles of Internet love dust by the rugged sight of us in our moisture-wicking mountain bike pants. And surely they were wowed by all the rugged yet sensitive North Vancouver love-making going on by the seaside, at the dog park, on top of mountains, in traffic jams and so on.
I assumed that the Amazon folks had to go to the Home and Garden section of their own website after peeking in on passionate North Vancouver so that they could buy something to hose themselves down with.
This, however, is not at all the methodology Amazon used to shoot us in the face with Cupid’s arrow. So why did they declare us masters of romance?
Amazon based their rankings on how many “romantic” products were purchased in each city. And by “romantic” products they did not mean log cabins or double kayaks. They meant “romance novels and relationships books, romantic comedies, romantic tunes and sexual wellness products.”
Relationships books? Nothing gets a man’s blood racing like the sight of Dr. Phil.
Picture a locker room after an intense beer league hockey game.
Player 1: “Good game out there, Frank. How are things going with your new girlfriend?”
Player 2: “Pretty good, Dennis. We spent all weekend downloading romantic tunes off of the Internet together. I never realized that there were so many different types of saxophone.
Then we watched a Patrick Dempsey movie marathon. I think I’m in love!”
Player 1: “Great, great. If you’ll excuse me for a second I’m going to use this skate blade to kill myself.”
In my life I have known only one person who loved to read romance novels: my grandmother. She was a lovely lady, but if anyone dared speak about her in a “romantic” sense I’d slap them in the face with a Harlequin.
The only thing on the Amazon survey that any self-respecting fellow could possibly construe as a gateway to true passion and romance is the vaguely defined “sexual wellness products.” I googled the term on my work computer and, after a chat with HR to convince them not to fire me, had a quick look at what constituted a “sexual wellness product.”
There were a few playful toys on there (I bet if you looked hard enough you could find something called a “double kayak”), but the truth is the top sellers all appeared to be male enhancement products. Be still my beating heart. Seriously, heart, slow down … are we sure these pills are safe?!
The final kick in the groin came from Amazon’s revelation of No. 1 on the romance list, the one city that exceeded us in sexiness: Victoria, B.C.
Right. The only place more romantic than North Vancouver has residents with an average age of approximately Wilford Brimley.
Hat tip to Victoria Times Colonist columnist (say that 10 times fast) Jack Knox for digging into the most recent census data to discover that 55 per cent of all singles in Victoria are women. This city – the retirement capital of the country, where women so far outnumber men that any man who can eat cheese fondue without blinding himself with one of those long pointy forks is considered a catch – is the No. 1 most romantic city on this list? An old saying comes to mind: “it’s lonely at the top.”
I say we get ourselves off this Amazon list as soon as possible.
Maybe if we stopped sitting in front of the TV so much and started helping out around the house a bit, our partners wouldn’t have to buy so many books about fixing relationships.
Maybe if we finally got around to fixing the leak in our own sex dungeons, our partners wouldn’t have to go looking for thrills in Fifty Shades of Grey.
Maybe if we planned more candlelight dinners … ah heck, that all sounds like a lot of work.
Fine Amazon. Do your worst. Call us all romantics.
I’ll be out in the garage, looking for my skates.
Andy Prest is the sports editor for the North Shore News and writes a biweekly humour/lifestyle column. He can be reached via email at [email protected].
What are your thoughts? Send us a letter via email by clicking here or post a comment below.
