Before we get to the nonsense, let's start by paying our respects to Cpl. Nathan Cirillo, the Canadian soldier killed in Ottawa Wednesday in a brazen attack on the heart of our country.
Anyone who joins the military knows that there are risks involved, but no one expects to be murdered in cold blood by a madman while standing ceremonial guard over a memorial.
Thanks are owed to Cirillo for his service, and condolences to his friends and family — he died too soon.
From there, however, the saga turned bizarre as the gunman made his way to the Parliament buildings and blasted his way in, coming terrifyingly close to employees, media members, MPs and public visitors. You know a situation is truly serious when we become concerned about the welfare of politicians and journalists.
The threat was reportedly neutralized by Kevin Vickers, who as Canada's Sergeant-at-Arms is normally known as the guy dressed in ceremonial garb who leads MPs into the House of Commons each day while carrying a huge, golden mace in white-gloved hands.
I'm not a "Rah-Rah-Violence!" kind of guy — I'm practically a pacifist, I've never been in a fistfight, let alone faced down a killer — but there is one word that comes to mind thinking about a man in a silly hat and robe jumping in front of our elected officials, facing down a gunman and shooting him dead: badass. That middle-aged gentleman in glasses sitting quietly to the side while our politicians squawk at each other every day? He's strapped, and he's a badass.
That's a story that cuts through the old stereotype of Canadians as polite pushovers. Polite, yes. But when pushed, watch us push back.
This episode will no doubt become a made-for-TV movie, a fact that got me and a few of my good friends dreaming up Hollywood-style catchphrases that our Sergeant-at-Arms could utter at the climactic moment. (My friends know who they are but shall remain nameless here to protect their reputations. I'm not worried about losing my reputation - you can't lose what doesn't exist.)
Here are a few of my favourite suggestions for James Bond-esque Sergeant-at-Arms tough talk.
The CSI Ottawa: "Hope you enjoy the Eternal Flame" *rips off his sensible spectacles* "Of Hell!"
The literal statement: "The dishonourable member has the floor. Permanently."
The procedural: "Point of order . . . resolved."
The coronation: "I've appointed you Dead of State."
The Yakov Smirnoff: "In Canada, Parliament dissolves you."
The Canadian: "Sorry about that, eh."
The opening session: "I see you've been working on your Speech from the Moan."
The motto: "From Sea to Sea to See you in Hell!"
The House vote: "The motion has passed - simple majority plus gun."
The Queen's representative: "I grant you Royal Assent . . . from Earth."
The zinger: "Common sense isn't the only thing that can die on this Hill."
The double entendre: "Looks as if it is I who has emptied the chamber."
The Parliamentarian: "Say hello to my legislative branch."
The bookish: "Next time try the Library of Parliament. You'll find yourself in the history section."
The senatorial: "I've given your proposal a sober second shot."
The shameless Simpson's ripoff: "All in favour, say die."
The team captain: "This is our house!"
The Conservative approach: "Consider yourself prorogued."
Vickers probably wouldn't condone this type of thing. Before moving to Parliament Hill he was an RCMP member who reportedly never shot anyone in nearly 30 years on the job. News reports describe him as a law enforcement officer who walked among the people, who always worked to relieve tension, not cause it.
Now that he works inside Parliament his job description has him wearing bling that would make Kanye blush, carrying around Sir Lancelot's baseball bat and kicking serious ass when called upon.
I don't mean to offend anyone by making light of this situation — an honourable man lost his life, a few more were injured, hundreds more were in harm's way and millions across the country were shocked and saddened.
I do, however, mean to underscore that attacks like this will not change what it means to live in Canada. It will not force us into lockdown mode. It will not send us into shrieking panic. It will not take away our freedom to express ourselves, our freedom to laugh, our freedom to assemble in public without fear, our freedom to fist bump a man for bravely and efficiently defending those freedoms while wearing a ridiculous robe.
Here's hoping that I — that any one of us — could be half as calm as our Sergeant-at-Arms when faced with a crisis.
Stay cool, Sgt. Vickers.
Rest in peace, Cpl. Cirillo.
Stay strong, Canada.
