He knows when you are sleeping.
He knows when you're awake.
He knows when you've been bad or good.
For years, just how Santa figured out who was worthy of gifts or lumps of coal was mysterious. This year, however, with the help of whistleblower Edward Snowden, the veil was finally lifted. Santa had help. He had the data.
As we all learned after Snowden's big reveal, the rule about not saying or doing anything online you don't want to end up in CSIS databanks was true. That goes double for Santa.
Snowden's gift - documenting the extent to which Big Brother has been watching and cataloguing all those potentially embarrassing web searches and plain-old-uninteresting Facebook posts - has already been unwrapped.
It isn't much of a stretch to see how the algorithms designed to catch terrorists could be tweaked in the service of the Big Elf himself.
That guy who posted a photo of himself in a backwards baseball cap chugging a super-size lager? Twenty demerits.
Cat video postings of all varieties: minus 50 points.
For the I-have-nothing-to-hide-so-Idon't-care crowd, we'll just point out that a number of entirely unassuming elderly people became fairly alarmed after a scam involving extortion centred on their alleged porn-site viewing. Santa might like to put that in his pipe and smoke it.
Did we think the fact the Santa tracker is operated by NORAD is mere coincidence? Turns out that believing any deed - good, bad or indifferent - was really private, was like believing in You Know Who.
