B.C.'s newest stat holiday is an opportunity to think about connecting in fun and meaningful ways with our families year-round.
This can be relatively easy when kids are smaller, but what about the teen years? Encouraging teens to take part in family fun can leave parents feeling frustrated as their teens seem to prefer time with friends over family.
When considering how to encourage your teens to spend time with family it's important to remember that, developmentally, all teenagers have a job to do: become more independent. Youth are proto-adults beginning to find their unique place in the world. It's a dynamic, confusing and often exhilarating time, and it can often mean that parents and younger siblings feel forgotten as teens begin to stretch their wings. During these years it can be helpful to remember that we tend to be hardest on the people we are most comfortable with. Parents and siblings often bear the brunt of this "comfort."
As much as they may at times seem disinterested in family, teens still need us as a source of love, unconditional acceptance, safety and the modelling of acceptable behaviour. As parents you have the tricky job of respecting your teen's need for independence while staying connected with your parenting role. Here are some tips for enjoying the company of teens this Family Day and year-round: Commit to spending time with your teen. Let them know you enjoy their company. Teens sometimes mistakenly think their parents are not interested in spending time with them. Respectfully ask their opinion about what they would like to do with you or present a few options. Let them choose.
Give lots of lead-time to ensure they're free. Teens often complain that parents spring family obligations on them on short-notice without respecting that teens often have plans of their own.
Take time to discover and appreciate your teen's interests whatever they may be. Find ways to explore these interests as a family. Even if foreign or uninteresting to you at the outset, find a way to value these interests as a reflection of your child's growth. Marvel at their uniqueness and creativity, and attempt to see the world through their eyes. Teens are fascinating!Compromise on how much time they will spend with you. Agreeing to spend an hour or two rather than a full day could mean the difference between a resentful teen and a content one. If your teen is resistant to the idea of spending time together and you're unable to reach a compromise, take heart; there will be other opportunities. Try again another time with love, flexibility and compassion.Above all this Family Day, remember that developing and maintaining family relationships are lifetime endeavours. As our children grow and change so do our relationships with them.
Take the time to appreciate and celebrate their growing independence and the adults they are becoming. Your investment of interest, understanding and care now will pay off with a lifetime of closeness.
Valerie Lev Dolgin is a child and youth therapist at Family Services of the North Shore, a not-for-profit agency that offers education, support and counselling services. familyservices.ca
