CALM down, fans of the Vancouver Canucks. You do not need to blow this team up.
Actually, given recent, um, hockey-related happenings in this city you probably should be restricted from possessing any flammable material.
Seriously, put that lighter away. Wait, where did that jerry can of lighter fluid come from? No no no, do not tip over that Smart Car! And for God's sake, stop talking about the damn goalies for one hot minute.
I know this may not be the sexy opinion to take but now is not the time to start chopping up the orca and selling the parts to sushi restaurants and veterinary schools. Despite the most recent evidence, your team is not terrible. Trust me. I grew up a Flames fan - I know what terrible looks like.
Hockey isn't a game of dynasties anymore. The last nine Stanley Cup champions are all different. You're either good enough to have a shot at winning it or not good enough. Just look at L.A. last year - they finished eighth in the regular season and then steamrolled to the Cup.
These days it really is a matter of being good enough to get to that tournament and then, basically, anything can happen. You, Vancouver, are good enough.
Now, maybe you might want to stop trading blue chippers like Cody Hodgson for tooth chippers like Zack Kassian. Maybe you should stop analyzing your goalies like a psychotic bride trying to choose colours for her wedding.
"I love this fuchsia. Wait no, fuchsia never looks good on the big day. Let's go with lavender. Yes, I love lavender. Fuchsia is so 2010. Wait, what do you mean lavender clashes with my spray-on tan? That can't be. Lavender is always great. Oh God, you're right. Lavender isn't right either. Fuchsia! Come back! I never meant it when I called you 'greasy.' You're hilarious on Twitter!"
You know who the Canucks are right now? A team that plays really well in the regular season and then fails either spectacularly or heartbreakingly in the playoffs? You're the San Jose Sharks, circa 2010. Look where they are now.
So be cool, Canuck nation. You're still in the mix - don't do anything rash. To take your mind off the pain, I've picked out a few other interesting storylines for you to follow in the sports world now that there's no Luongo to kick around. Toronto Maple Leafs fans, you can get in on this too. It was nice to have you back and relevant there, if only for a couple of minutes. You may be an insufferable fan base but you sure have gone through a lot of suffering. Maybe these things can ease your pain: NHL playoffs: Sidney's smile
Hey, remember when goons kept smoking Sidney Crosby in the head and he kept getting concussions and we were worried that one of the greatest talents we'd ever seen was going to waste his career sitting in a cold, dark room listening to Enya? Yeah, that wasn't very long ago. He's back now, making defenders look sillier than a British Columbian pollster, but we shouldn't take for granted that he'll always be here flashing that goofy grin after big goals.
Even better, his smile is goofier now after he took a puck to the jaw a few weeks ago. It looks like he'll need some reconstructive surgery but, before that happens, enjoy watching him carve up defences with scalpel-like precision.
Honourable mentions for the NHL playoffs go to Jaromir Jagr's butt and Erik Karlsson's heel.
Jagr is roughly 97 years old but is still out there, now with the Boston Bruins, controlling the game like a maestro all while shielding defenders from the puck with his massive hockey butt.
Karlsson, meanwhile, had his Achilles tendon sliced by a skate in the middle of February. Just thinking about the nastiness of that injury still makes me cough up a little bit of barf. No biggie for Karlsson though - he's somehow back and playing, leading his Ottawa Senators through the playoffs. The Sens will likely be knocked out soon by Sid and the Pens, so enjoy Karlsson's game while you can and maybe go order some Kevlar socks just to be safe. (Editor: Don't count the Sens out too quickly, Andy. Did you learn nothing about polls and analysts this week?) NBA playoffs: Hot Curry
If you haven't seen the wizardry of Stephen Curry as he guides the Golden State Warriors through the NBA playoffs, what have you been doing with your time? Don't say you've been campaigning hard for Adrian Dix and the NDP because that's an obvious lie. Tricky timing here because Curry and the Warriors faced an elimination game last night against the San Antonio Spurs after our press deadline. Curry's season may be over before this paper hits the doorstep of your $900,000 North Shore bungalow. But maybe it's not - Game 7, if necessary, is scheduled for Sunday and it would be a must-watch. Curry looks like a 160-pound, 15-year-old kid out there on the court but he plays like he's invented a new sport, making running one-legged three-pointers look easy.
Honourable mentions for the NBA go to the blue collar Memphis Grizzlies as well as Lebron James.
Remember the Grizzlies? I wouldn't blame you if you had their Vancouver days lobotomized from your memory but they're finally good, a mere 12 years after skipping out on us.
Maybe the Canucks can teach him to play goal. [email protected]
And Lebron? Well, he's going to win. He is greatness. Everybody loves greatness.
