Apparently it's inconceivable that any two people could exchange 20,000-30,000 emails and not be sexually involved - though a lot of married couples might beg to differ (badump-bump!).
In my ongoing effort to correct and improve other journalists, for which I deserve a Pulitzer Prize, I've dug up some of the perfectly innocent emails Kelley and Allen exchanged before this scandal broke. I must remind my fellow hacks that socialites and generals need friends, too - there are only so many charity functions and nighttime raids you can plan in a day.
Jill Kelley: Howareya, Gen. Johnny? I can't go outside this week because I have a wart on my pinky. I guess in Afghanistan u always have to show up for work, even if u have dandruff or zits, but as a socialite u'd have to be crazy. We use our pinkies for everything here - drugs, dangling our sunglasses, drying our bikinis. . . . Now I have to stay on my property until next Monday. It's insanity! Gen. John Allen: Sweetheart, my sympathies on your wart, but I'm kind-of busy here. Best, Gen. John Allen.
Kelley: U were doing naked cannonballs in my pool just last month! Woo hoo - "incoming" indeed! Anyhoo, I'm bored almost wartless here in Tampa. My sister Natalie dared me to write u 10,000 emails in seven days without detection by the U.S. Army or the Tallyban. I know I can do it. Resist me if u can! How many Florida socialites does it take to change a light-bulb?
Allen: I don't know, sweetheart. How many?
Kelley: What's a light-bulb? (Laughing emoticon.)
Allen: I'm not following you.
Kelley: And u call yourself a FOUR-STAR general - LOL! I'm forwarding u this thing that my aunt Lil sent me. I guarantee it will make u cry - a soldier petting his cat before he ships out. Have u ever seen a cuter kitty or a hotter soldier? Support our troops! O say can u see-
Allen: Sweetheart, I may have to be offline for an extended period to deal with something we're calling Operation S--storm. Stand by-
Kelley: . . . by the dawn's early light! Kidding! Oh, Gen. Johnny, I'm going to my hairdresser in 10 minutes and I don't know whether to go with blonde streaks (so 2011, see Lindsay Lohan's MOTHER, ha ha!) or a thick swath of platinum white! If u R my TRU friend, HELP!
Allen: Blonde. You don't want to be mistaken for Bonnie Raitt. Gotta go. . . .
Kelley: Wow. Thanks for comparing me with a 110-yearold singer from Grand Forks.
Allen: What? I have all her albums! She's the bomb! Not literally (chuckle). Sorry, General joke. FYI: Bonnie Raitt was born in Burbank, CA.
Kelley: Whatevskis! Now I'm going offline for an important reason, too - my haircut, or, as I call it, Operation Honey Boo Boo! LOL! (Later that same day. . . .)
Allen: I usually write (chuckle) when I'm laughing online, but I understand that if I want to be modern I should use LOL. Is that current protocol?
Kelley: U slay me, Gen. Johnny, but not literally! Sorry, Socialite joke.
Allen: You shouldn't capitalize the "S" in socialite. It's not a profession.
Kelley: Well, I never! (Ha ha!) Easy for u to say, Johnny. U don't have to organize MacDill Air Force Base gatherings, like I do. Or raise money for all the Tampa teenagers who, because of the Obama-caused recession, aren't going to get cars from their parents when they turn 16. That used to be an American RIGHT. U know what my former billionaire neighbors are giving their son for his 16th birthday? Movie passes to the opening night of Lincoln!!! (Sad face emoticon.)
Allen: Lincoln was a good president.
Kelley: A million years ago. I am SO over the Civil War! If Spielberg wants to open THAT can of worms, hire a smokin' hot cast! Channing Tatum as a super-fit Lincoln, Emma Stone as a sexy Mary Todd. But Daniel Day Lewis and Sally Field? It's like that Ken Burns Dust Bowl show - EW! I had to shower for HOURS.
Allen: Speaking of dust bowls, we've had no rain in Kabul for three months.
Kelley: We used to have a great lifestyle here in the U.S.A. but then along came Obama with his Muslim ways and ruined everything.
Allen: Uh . . . you do realize that, as Commander in Chief of the U.S. Armed Forces, President Obama is my boss?
Kelley: Not for long! Mitt Romney for Emperor! LOL!
Allen: You seem worked up. When my children were young I used to get them to go to sleep by reciting military secrets. Would you like me to call you and do that for you?
Kelley: Sure, honey. But just until my wart dries up.
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