Recently I read an article about running errands with kids.
The premise was that you make it fun and comfortable for all. The author talked about preparing the children for the outing. Tell them where you are going and why. Let them know the expectations. As I was reading this I was thinking about my grandchildren who are keen to follow the rules once they know what is expected of them.
Then the author ruined the article by talking about the bribe. Once you have explained this to the kids, the author continued, then offer a reward. If they manage to behave appropriately while you are running your errand they will receive a treat. The article was ruined for me because it's never a good idea to bribe a child for good behaviour. Once they know the expectations, it is reasonable to expect that they will not let us down. And if our expectations are reasonable based on the age and ability of the child, odds are in our favour that we will have a good outing. Bribes are not a positive parenting tool. They are actually about domination, manipulation and control.
When we bribe a child we are the dominant person in the relationship. We have the power to influence their behaviour choice by offering a bribe. We use the bribe to manipulate the child to do whatever it is we want her to do. For the child the control over their behaviour is external, it comes from us through the bribe instead of them simply learning to behave in an appropriate manner. We are saying, "If you behave I will give you a treat."
Bribes give the message that whatever we want from our children is so difficult that the only way they can comply is if we offer the treat.
A common bribe is dessert. If you eat your meal you will get dessert. What is the message? Is the meal so awful that the only way a child can choke down the food is to see the dessert at the end of the meal? Why not assume that your child will like their meal, that they will enjoy the main course? As a matter of fact, what if you decided that you don't need to serve dessert at every meal?
Treats are something different. They are not expected. They are not a planned prize for decent behaviour. They are simply special. You might go and run a number of errands and afterwards say that you've had such a successful morning it's time to celebrate with ice cream cones. And that's fun.
There is another problem with bribes. A young child might be happy with a gummy bear but that won't last. You need to constantly find a bribe that is big enough to entice the child. This is true whether you are bribing a child for good behaviour, for marks or for scoring goals in hockey. The bribes need to keep getting bigger.
Then there are the stars and stickers that some parents use to track all their children's behaviours. There are stars for doing their chores, brushing their teeth, getting up in the morning and not fighting with their siblings. Maintaining these charts can become an onerous task and negotiating the reward that you attach to the stars as they accumulate is at minimum time consuming. If you fall down on the job of maintaining the charts, the required behaviour will stop because they are only behaving to earn the reward.
They become unable to accomplish anything simply because it is the right thing to do or because it feels good. Children who are bribed as a matter of routine become the adults who ask "What's in it for me?" It's easy to fall into the trap of bribing our kids. There are certainly times when you will do whatever it takes to get through the shopping trip. But bribes just aren't the way to go.
Let your kids know what you need from them, and odds are they will be keen to co-operate.
Kathy Lynn is a professional speaker and author of Vive la Différence, Who's In Charge Anyway? and But Nobody Told Me I'd Ever Have to Leave Home. Read more at parentingtoday.ca.
