The holiday season brings forth many emotions.
Most people seem to enjoy the festivities, but some approach the season with dread. Either they are overtaxed by the season with too many commitments or they are isolated with too few. What they hold in common is an over-dependence on others for stability.
Let's consider the dilemma of those in the first category. These are the people who just can't say no. They overspend, agree to too many invitations, and in general give up too much of themselves in an effort to keep everyone happy. They end the season exhausted and in fear of the arrival of their credit card statement. Fixing the problem is not quite as simple as it may seem; it's not as simple as just saying no. Many people manage their anxiety by keeping the important people in their lives content. If your sister is going to be upset with you if you tell her you can't go to her holiday party, you will end up going even if you don't have the time or the energy. It will be easier than dealing with her disappointment and your subsequent anxiety about her feeling unhappy. If your son wants a new game system and you can't afford it, dealing with debt will be easier than seeing his disappointment if it isn't under the tree. It is our own anxiety that trips us up. The needs and expectations of others affect the clarity of our thinking. Their needs become our needs and we give in and give up because it's just easier in the short term to do so.
Then there are people who, for a variety of reasons, find themselves alone. Meaningful invitations and expectations are absent. They may be recently separated or far from home. Their family relationships may be fraught with intensity and therefore avoided, and friends may be few and/or superficial. Whatever the reason, they struggle with the anxiety of feeling on the outside of a season that celebrates connection.
Managing the challenge of either too much or too little during the holiday season depends on how well we can differentiate ourselves from those around us. Though we are all dependent on others to some degree, that degree is a critical factor in how we function. The higher the dependence on others, the more likely our happiness will be a byproduct of their approval. There are two counterbalancing forces that govern relationships. One is the need to be connected and the other is the need to be separate. If you get too much of one, you will be looking for the other.
There is no easy solution to the dilemmas described above. People who want to change the way they function have to be willing to step into the anxiety that accompanies change. The key lies in taking on just as much change as you can manage well. A small step in the right direction is the way to go. If the season finds you mired in the expectations of others, take one thing off that list of engagements.
If your challenge is a lack of engagement, add one significant encounter. Hang onto that change and add another next year.
Although it's the season of magic, there is no magic to this mission. You'll be working against your natural inclinations and pushing for a shift in your emotional programming. That is a lot more difficult than squeezing down the chimney.
Margaret-Anne Speak is a registered clinical counsellor on the North Shore. You can reach her at [email protected] or 604-761-3440.
