Parents of teens want to stay connected to their kid but feel them pulling away, becoming more secretive and distant. They are simply not the little kids they were. Suddenly it seems, they are claiming their independence.
And that's a good thing. But, at the same time we are their parents, they are still kids and we want to stay connected with them. So what do we do?
It is essential that we respect their privacy. It's a question of respect for their burgeoning maturity. This means we don't spy online, we stay out of their drawers, backpacks and pockets and we don't listen in on private conversations.
When parents spy on their kids, the kids find out and learn that they are not trusted. They often react by becoming increasingly sneaky.
To find out what's really going on in your kids' lives, welcome their friends into your home. Teens need places to hang out. Make yours one of them. You will soon meet all their friends and have a good sense about what's happening with them.
In the same way, be the parent who drives the kids to soccer practice, who picks them up after the movie downtown or who takes the kids to their hockey games.
It can be difficult to see them growing up. We want them to stay little, to hang onto our every word and to think we are the smartest people in the world. But, of course, it's not going to happen. Enjoy and celebrate their moves to independence. Support their growth and don't whine about how you wish they were still little. Understand that all of their moves to independence reflect well on your parenting. Raising our children to become capable young men and women is the job of parenting.
While some teens become silent (particularly 13-yearold girls) some are very opinionated and outspoken. With your silent child, respect her privacy and she will soon start to talk again. If you push her, you are less likely to hear from her.
Teens are interested in exploring their expanding world and new ideas. They know what you believe and how you live so they don't need to explore that. Therefore, they will be expounding on new ideas, some of which you will find problematic. You can politely let them know that you disagree with them and state why, but then just listen.
After all I bet you have some friends who have ideas that conflict with yours and once you have both stated your positions you tend to respect your differences.
Your teens are just trying out new ideas. Don't panic, if you listen respectfully and support them many of these ideas will just die a natural death.
He is also trying to figure out his strengths because it's time to decide what will happen after high school. Does he want to pursue a trade and if so what will be the best choice? Is college or university on the horizon? Where will she go? What does she need to do to register and be accepted in the post-secondary school of her choice?
If you haven't been teaching him the life skills he will need to live on his own, it's time to start. He needs to learn basics such a housecleaning, cooking and laundry. He needs to understand his finances. He needs to be able to use transit and figure out how to get from one place to another using the Internet and maps.
In other words, it's time to prepare him to leave and when you maintain your connection with your teen you can count on the fact that your relationship will remain intact, even if he isn't sleeping down the hall.
Kathy Lynn is a parenting expert who is a professional speaker, broadcaster, columnist and author of Who's In Charge Anyway? and But Nobody Told Me I'd Ever Have to Leave Home. For information or to book Kathy for a speaking engagement, go to her website at www.ParentingToday.ca.
