IF, after this column is published, they find my body stuffed in a barrel of maple syrup floating down the Rideau Canal, you'll know that I came too close to the truth, that I knew too much.
If that happens, friends, please don't seek revenge by violence. What this country needs is more peace and co-operation, not more strife and fear. Also a Stanley Cup winner would be nice. Anyone? Luongo?
Anyhoo, what secret do I know? I have the famous "enemy" list that caused such a stir last week. In a ploy ripped from the pages of a 15-year-old girl's diary, the Prime Minister's Office sent out a memo directing Conservative staffers to compile lists for new Government of Canada cabinet ministers detailing "Who to engage or avoid: friend and enemy." They weren't talking about the Taliban either they meant dangerous Canadians like Rex Murphy and Anne of Green Gables. Sassy radicals, both of them.
How did I get the enemy list? It was sent to me by a friend who doesn't exist on a plane that doesn't fly. Wink wink, know what I mean? Alright, shoot. I don't have the real list. No one who would dare to make the list public has seen it. That's why all we can do is guess, which I'm going to do here. Hopefully this doesn't land me on List 2.0 - I don't want PMO goons hacking my computer and finding out all my secrets (I swear, I have no idea how all those nude pictures of Laura Secord got onto my hard drive. I didn't even know they had digital cameras back in the 1800s).
Here's the list. If you're on it, you're an enemy of the state your Canadian Tire money is no longer good here.
Miss Canada contestants: These leggy go-getters are always going on and on about "world peace" this and "global harmony" that. Well Miss, you can kindly cram it. Canada did give the world Lester B. Pearson, the father of modern United Nations peacekeeping and a Nobel Peace Prize winner, but that's not how we roll now. In 2012 Canada ranked 53rd in the world with "less than a schoolbus-load" of peacekeepers deployed, according to a Globe and Mail article. Word is we did give those peacekeepers a brown bag lunch on the school bus but, of course, they were less well armed than an average bus full of eighth graders.
Anyway, keep the peace talk to yourselves, beauty queens. The authors of the "enemy list" will be keeping a very close eye on all your activities. Very close.
Beach babes and dudes: You're on watch too, all you gorgeous people on Kitsilano Beach. Your enemy status was confirmed earlier this year when the Conservatives took away your Coast Guard station, formerly the busiest in Canada. You and your sculpted abs can fend for yourselves don't come whining to the government at the first sign of trouble.
"Oh boo hoo, my sexy lungs are full of water. Wah wah, my beautiful blond hair is caught in a fishing line."
Pipe down, stud. And stay away from those fishing lines these oceans are for fish farms and oil tankers, not for paddling very slowly on top of a surfboard.
You may have noticed an interesting pattern on the list so far: everyone on it is in the young hottie demographic. Just take note if you're young and sexy, you might
want to act extra-Conservative to avoid the list. Now who's next?
Justin Trudeau: Oh boy, let's move on.
Accountants: OK, here we go - finally an enemy that hits closer to home for the Conservative government's Old Whitey Town base. Of course, those bean counters lost their privileges when they started counting all the beans in the expense accounts of Conservative senators. What part of "conservative" made you think they were overly concerned with managing money wisely?
Statisticians: Beat it nerds. What's that? Nerds are cool now? No they're not. You know what's cool? Not knowing stuff. You're on the enemy list, stat heads. Make sure you include that when you're filling out the next census.
Scientists: What part of shut up and do your job don't you understand? Wait, make that shut up and don't do your job. Don't worry politicians know everything they need to know already. The Earth is getting warmer? Maybe it's just you - your pants are on fire.
The Green Party: Just kidding. Prime Minister Stephen Harper needs to have heard of you if you're going to make the list.
The word "Canada": A couple of years ago the PMO re-branded "Government of Canada" on official documents to read "Harper Government." Oops, looks like I slipped "Government of Canada" into this very column a few paragraphs back. I'm very, very sorry! Don't put me on the list! I'll make it up to you. I'll start a petition that we change the name of the national anthem. How does "O Harper" sound?
The Royal Baby: One more body in the way of the ascension of King Stephen. Sleep tight, little prince. Welcome to the world, and the list.
