Amalgamation may be coming to the North Shore – just not in the manner many pundits predicted.
After being repeatedly spurned by the city, the District of North Vancouver recently reached out to a more appreciative municipality: Burnaby.
“The City of North Vancouver amalgamating with the District of North Vancouver? Too obvious. You put chocolate and peanut butter together, not chocolate and chocolate,” said a district staffer who requested anonymity due to numerous warrants out for her arrest.
In order to avoid confusion, the area currently known as the District of North Vancouver will become North North-Burnaby while Burnaby will be christened South North Vancouver. NoBu will also be used as a catch-all name.
The move should create “totally sweet” efficiencies, according to the staffer.
“Instead of two municipal halls governed by 14 councillors and two mayors, we’ll have one giant municipal hall governed by 14 councillors and two mayors. That’s double the wisdom for double the residents.”
While the plan isn’t etched in stone, DNV Mayor Richard Walton and Burnaby Mayor Derek Corrigan will likely serve together, wielding a double-handled gavel and using the ceremonial name Richek Walligan.
The two municipal halls are about 16 kilometres apart, but that may not always be the case, according to a Ministry of Transportation spokesman who was relieved not to be talking about Compass cards.
“The plan is to shorten the Ironworkers bridge and effectively drag the two land masses together,” he said. “It’s like straightening a tooth, you can’t do it too fast or you risk breaking it. We’ll take out a section (of the bridge) each month and by this time next year commuters’ll be hopping over the inlet. Incidentally, I’m legally bound to end all ministry statements by saying we believe LNG is our future.”
After a few innocuous conversations between the DNV and Burnaby, “just a little flirting,” as the staffer described it, things got “like, pretty serious” following the first official meeting last month.
There were a few hiccups, such as co-ordinating garbage pickup; also several Burnabyites raised questions about whether or not the DNV looked like its profile picture, with some accusing the DNV of posting West Vancouver’s profile pic to look more prosperous.
When asked why the DNV felt compelled to amalgamate at all, the staffer became aggressive, quickly cutting off the interview.
“Are we supposed to not amalgamate with anyone?” the staffer asked. “Should we just die alone? We already have too many cats.”
The City of North Vancouver wishes the district well in its amalgamation with Burnaby and is “definitely not jealous,” according to a city staffer who asked to remain anonymous because he recently told his girlfriend he’s an astronaut.
The staffer downplayed several late-night messages sent from the city to the district during the run-up to amalgamation, including one in which an audibly emotional staffer pleads with the district to “please give us one more chance.”
The city staffer deflected numerous questions about whether or not he’d told his mother of the DNV’s decision to move on.
However, the North Shore News’ VirtuaMother, a computing system rated 97 per cent accurate in anticipating maternal advice, reported the staffer’s mother will chastise the city for long years of taking the district for granted, as well as finding faults in the district’s finances and asbestos cement pipes, which the city knows the district is sensitive about.
The city should also be sure to wear a jacket because you can catch cold, according to VirtuaMother.
Attempts to unite the City and District of North Vancouver permanently stalled last winter after a DNV representative stood outside city council chambers in the rain, holding aloft a boombox that played the classic Peaches and Herb soul ballad “Reunited (And It Feels So Good)” on a loop. The representative was ticketed for violating the city’s noise bylaw and escorted from the premises.
If all goes well, amalgamation could be complete exactly one year from today: April 1, 2017.
Please note: This story was written as a joke for April Fool's Day. It originally ran in the Friday, April 1 issue of the paper.
