Many years ago I heard a story about an eight-year-old I will call Dylan.
Dylan was playing in his friend's backyard. He lived two doors down from Dylan's home. At around 5 p.m. Dylan's mother leaned out the back door and called him to come home. Dylan kept on playing. About 10 minutes later, she again called him and he ignored the call. When, five minutes later she again called, Dylan said goodbye to his buddy and got ready to go home. As he was leaving, his friend's Mom asked him why he didn't go home the first time he was called. "Because she never means it until the third time," was his reply.
Parents often complain that their kids don't listen and heed. Often the reason is that they know you don't mean it. They learn that when your tone of voice changes, when you use their middle name (Theresa Christine, get home right now!), or after three times calling you mean it.
Kids learn from experience so we need to decide what we are teaching them. If Dylan's mother had called him for dinner and then went ahead and served the family he would have quickly learned that when she calls him there is a reason.
Mind you, if you have always called him multiple times, you need to let him know that the rules have changed. To suddenly change and say nothing to the child is unfair.
So sit down and tell the kids that the game is over. You will call them once and then get on with your day.
Or you can move close to them and call. If they ignore you, walk up to them, take their hand and say, "when I call you, I expect you to come." You do this even if they are busy playing with their friends.
Sometimes, the problem is that they are engaged in an activity that is difficult to stop. So give a warning call. "Dylan, I am going to call you for dinner in five minutes." That gives him time to close his video game and save it or to wrap up activities with his friends. Then call him in five minutes and proceed to serve dinner.
How do the adults in your family call each other and respond? Do you call another adult for dinner and receive no response or a mumble that gives you no information about when you might see them? If it takes numerous requests to get all the adults to the dinner table or to the door and ready to leave when going out, then that is what your child is learning.
Yelling down the hall is not usually very effective. Calling your kids works better if you go close to them and use a quieter voice.
When my children were young and playing outside I bought a bell. At dinner time I would ring the bell and they knew that meant they needed to wrap up their activity and head home.
I also used the bell inside the house. Actually, I have found that a dinner bell gives a universal message. Anytime I have ever rung a bell folks of all ages show up expecting that it is mealtime.
When you call the kids because it's dinner time or time to leave the house, make sure that you are also ready. It's not fair to call them and then have them sit and wait while you put on your makeup or check your email.
Be clear with your children about your expectations when you call them. Be respectful and give them some notice when they are truly engaged in an activity. Make sure you are modeling the behaviour you want from the kids and be ready for them when you do call them.
Kathy Lynn is a professional speaker and author of Who's In Charge Anyway?, But Nobody Told Me I'd Ever Have to Leave Home and Vive la Différence. Read more at parentingtoday.ca.
