THE room is cluttered with toys. Erin and Noah, both toddlers, are ignoring everything except one toy dump truck. Erin has grabbed the front of the truck and Noah the back as they push and pull and each is yelling, "It's mine!"
You arrive and try to patiently explain the concept of sharing but you may as well be speaking Greek. These kids are simply each convinced that they should have the truck.
Toddlers do not share well. That's just a given. They don't understand the concept and are not yet capable of seeing things from another person's perspective. But, that being said here you are with two kids and one truck. What's a parent to do?
The kids are playing at Erin's home so give the truck to Noah and tell Erin that she needs to let her friend have a turn. Make sure they each know that they are going to take turns and after a few minutes it will be Erin's turn.
Meanwhile, while Noah has the truck, find another toy for Erin. If possible, find something similar.
It's important that you don't just remove the dump truck from one child and leave the other one with nothing.
Even though the floor is strewn with toys they may feel bereft. So, Noah gets the dump truck and Erin gets the fire engine. They may be able to play alongside each other, trading off the dump truck and fire engine. But it will take some supervision.
Slowly they will learn how to share and how to coordinate their play.
When it's time for Noah to give Erin a turn, let him be the one to let go. Don't take it from him; tell him it's Erin's turn and give him a moment to pass it on. And when he does smile and thank him. Make handing the truck over something he does, not something that is done to him. And with your thanks and smile he can feel good about what he just did. At the same time, Erin can offer her truck to her friend.
Some families find that it's useful to use a timer to track how much time each child should have with a disputed toy. For many kids this works well because it's the timer that makes the decision, not the parent. On the other hand, there are some kids who find the ticking down of the time stressful. For those kids it's better to keep track yourself and give him a one-minute warning.
Children should not be expected to share very special or favourite toys.
If Erin has a teddy bear she sleeps with, that is not a sharing toy.
The trick is to put away a few of these toys whenever company is expected. Then tell Erin that she needs to share the rest of her toys and to let her guest play with them. She won't really understand at first but with time she will become a gracious host.
Toddlers who regularly play with other children have plenty
of opportunities to share with their friends. The more practice they get, the easier it becomes.
Whenever you share things make sure you let your toddler know what you are doing. A friend drops by for coffee and while you offer a drink and a cookie to her, you say to Erin that you are sharing your coffee and cookies with your friend.
Sharing is a challenging thing to learn. We all know some adults who never learned this lesson. It's important that our children learn how to share their things, but it's equally important that we make it a process. Toddlers are not developmentally ready to share. Usually by the time they are three they understand. Soon they will be ready to make the next step and actually offer toys to their visiting friends.
Kathy Lynn is a parenting expert who is a professional speaker and author of Who's In Charge Anyway? and But Nobody Told Me I'd Ever Have to Leave Home. If you want to read more, sign up for her informational newsletter at www.parentingtoday.ca.
