EIGHT-YEAR-OLD Oliver comes to his mom and says that he's worried about his dad flying home from Toronto.
He saw a news story about a plane crash and is afraid that there will be an accident.
"Don't be silly" his mom responds. "Dad has taken lots of flights and always comes home safely. He will be fine."
Seven-year-old Hannah tells her dad that she's nervous about a pending rainstorm. She wonders if the house will leak.
"You're too young to worry your pretty little head about that," her dad responds, "I will look after the house."
When our kids are worried, the almost automatic response is to reassure them. We want them to always be happy and secure and never worry.
But they do. Kids do worry, they become frustrated and they get angry. And we want them to always experience joy, happiness and excitement.
Everyone has feelings and not all of them are comfortable. We can't protect our kids from their feelings but we can help them to label them, to understand them and to deal with them.
So instead of dismissing what we might call negative feelings, we need to listen to our kids. When we dismiss them by saying they are too young to worry, they begin to distrust their own instincts.
"I think I am worried," Oliver thinks, but mom says that's silly so I guess I was wrong. If mom had responded by acknowledging the fear, then he would know that his gut feeling is accurate. Then she can talk to him about the odds of an accident or help him to track the flight online. She reassures him but at the same time acknowledges his concern.
While we want to help our kids acknowledge their feelings it's important to remember that kids' feelings tend to be transitory. For the most part they come and go quite quickly so once he's moved on to the next thing, let it go.
When your child is moping around, try to figure out the cause. What is he feeling? If you say, "What's the problem?" odds are that you will get a non-answer. Instead, describe what you are seeing. "I notice that you seem to be quiet today. Can you tell me what you're thinking?" This could lead to a conversation, which will help you determine what he is feeling and then work toward a conclusion. It could be anything from being tired or hungry to being worried about a test at school.
People of all ages are responsible for their own feelings. "It's not my fault I yelled at him, he made me mad." That is not taking ownership. "He called me names and I yelled at him." is a more appropriate comment.
Our children will try to blame us for their feelings when we make a decision they don't like. This is when they often come out with the hurtful phrase, "I hate you!" It hurts us but it's not what they really mean and we need to help them define what's really happening. So our response can be, "You are upset that I said you can't go downtown alone." You can then go on to explain that it's OK to be upset but saying she hates you is very hurtful and unfair.
While all feelings are OK, there are times and places to express those feelings.
"Feeling angry with your brother is fine but breaking his toy because you are angry is simply not acceptable. You need to calm down and then we can talk about what happened."
Teach your kids to understand, label and cope with their feelings.
Kathy Lynn is a professional speaker and author of Who's In Charge Anyway? and But Nobody Told Me I'd Ever Have to Leave Home. If you want to read more, sign up for her informational newsletter at parentingtoday.ca.
